


Almost like a song

by Schist



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Love at First Sight, M/M, Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-06-06 14:28:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 25,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6757831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schist/pseuds/Schist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t know right away that he had met the love of his life – after all they were only 16 – but it didn’t take long to realize. If he had told anyone at the time, especially his parents, they would have told him he was too young and didn’t know what love was, but he didn’t tell anyone. And he did know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

“Hunt, see me after class.”

James looked up and found his history teacher, Mrs Campbell, looking at him with angry eyes. He glanced at Jack who was sitting next to him. They had been talking about their weekend plans and he had completely forgotten to keep his voice down. He made an apologetic face, smiled, tried to charm his way out. It had worked many times before, but this time the angry eyes remained angry.

“Sorry, mrs Campbell“ he said. “I’ll be quiet, I promise.”

“Too late for that” she muttered.

After class he stayed behind while the others left. It was painful to see them go. School was over and they had the whole weekend in front of them. To have to stay for a scolding felt unbearable. Jack gave him a pitying look before heading out into the corridor.  James sighed and turned to his teacher.

“I’m sorry I disturbed the lesson” he said.

“I appreciate your apology” she said and sounded tired. “But you have to learn to control yourself. You’re a good student, James. With some discipline you could go far.”

“I know, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“I’m sending you to detention.”

“What? Oh come on! It’s Friday!”

“You have to behave in school even on Fridays.”

“It wasn’t that bad… Come on… please? My parents will be so upset….I’d really appreciate it if you could cut me some slack just this once…”

He wasn’t unaware that he held a certain attraction for the girls, and quite often it worked on adult women as well. A coy smile, a flirtatious gleam in his eyes, a discreet compliment, and he got what he wanted. But this time she just shook her head and sighed.

“Go to detention” she said and turned her back at him to start packing her things. “Use the time wisely and prepare for next week, then you can relax knowing you’re ahead of schedule.”

He sighed and left to go to his locker. Jack was waiting there.

“Wanna grab a burger?” he asked.

“I can’t. I’ve got detention.”

Jack laughed.

“All right” he said. “Well, have fun. I’ll see you later tonight then?”

“Sure! I’ll come over as soon as I’m done.”

Jack left, walking out into the sweet after-school freedom, made even sweeter by the impending weekend, while James gathered his books in a pile and carried it together with his heavy heart off to detention.

It wasn’t the first time he’d had detention, but he tried not to make it a regular occurrence. He took his studies seriously, and so did his parents. This would get him into trouble at home.  

When he got to the classroom assigned for detention that afternoon there were only two other people there; the poor teacher sent to keep watch, and another boy sitting by the window looking out with a blank look on his face. He turned to glance at James when he walked in, but seemed unimpressed and turned back to the window without even a nod of greeting. James vaguely recognized him. It was a small town after all and they were in the same school. You had some sort of knowledge of everyone. This kid was rich, is what he had heard, but not very successful in school. Had he even repeated a year? James couldn’t swear to it but thought he had heard a rumor. He had a reputation for being a bit of an asshole.

“James Hunt?” the teacher asked.

“James Hunt reporting for duty” he replied briskly and made a mock salute.

The other boy rolled his eyes. No sense of humor apparently. James sat down one desk away from him. He was almost cute, or could have been if it hadn’t been for quite a prominent overbite. He was small and slim, in an almost feminine way with his slightly too long curly hair. His school uniform looked immaculate, tie straight and firm. He looked like a mama’s boy.

“I’m James” James said to him.

The boy glanced at him again. He had icy blue eyes with steel in them. No mama’s boy then.

“I heard” he said.

“Do you have a name?”

The boy sighed, as if James was disturbing his very important looking out the window.

“Niki” he said.

“Less talk and more study” the teacher grumbled. “Lauda, I suggest you open your book, it’s easier to read it that way.”

James looked at the history book lying closed on Niki’s desk. Niki seemed to take no notice of it or the teacher as he turned to the window again. There was so much laid-back defiance in that gesture James found himself feeling impressed. There was nothing cool about failing school, but if you were going to do it, this was the way. James opened his books and started to do his chemistry homework. It wasn’t difficult, he was good at science, but he found it hard to concentrate. He kept glancing over at the other kid, sitting there like a statue by his window. His patience was as impressive as his defiance.

The next time he glanced, Niki glanced back. His eyes were blank at first, but the next time it happened he smiled. It was quick, just a flash of teeth and then back to blank, but it did something. When that detention hour began James had just barely heard of Niki. When it ended he had fallen in love. He didn’t know exactly when it happened or why, just that it got increasingly difficult to focus on his school work. What started as a mild fascination for the other boy grew rapidly to an anxious longing that he didn’t know what do to with. He had fancied boys before, but this felt different.

He forced himself to finish his school work while Niki continued to do nothing. James even started on preparations for next week. Mrs Campbell had been right, next week would be a breeze now. But now and then, when the teacher wasn’t watching, he stole a glance and a smile from Niki. It started to feel like they were alone in the world – he, Niki and the teacher who was mostly busy with his own work. It was like they were in a bubble, locked in time in the silent class room after everyone else had gone home for the weekend.

Finally the teacher stood up and started to pack his things.

“That’s enough for today, boys” he said. “You’ve been well behaved and I hope I don’t have to see you here again.”

He looked pointedly at Niki, and James gathered this must be a fairly common occurrence for him. He must be very familiar with the view out that window. Niki grinned, got up and took his book. James followed him out.

“Hey” he said. “Wanna do something? Grab some food?”

Niki looked at him and James found himself holding his breath. He was terrified Niki would say no, while at the same time a part of him wished he would. Then perhaps he could forget about all of this and go back to his life. But Niki smiled, big and happy with a lot of teeth, and nodded.

“Come on” he said. “I’ve got a car.”

“A car? Are you even old enough to drive?”

“Next year” Niki said. “My parents have more cars than they know what to do with, they won’t miss it.”

James laughed.

“Let me just put my books away” he said. “I’ll meet you outside.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Niki’s car – or rather his father’s car – looked tastefully expensive.   
“Nice” James said and walked around it so he could inspect it.   
“I couldn’t take one of the sports cars, it would draw too much attention” Niki explained matter of factly as he got in behind the wheel.  
James sat down beside him on the passenger seat. He was counting the days until he turned 17 and could get his driver’s licence. The freedom that would come with it was intoxicating, but driving illegally had never even crossed his mind.  
“Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?” he asked when Niki drove out from the parking lot.   
Niki shrugged.   
“If you stick to the speed limits and don’t draw attention to yourself, you’re very unlikely to get pulled over” he said. “Especially in a car like this.”  
James envied his calm and wondered if he really was as cool as he appeared. They drove without talking for a while. James wanted to talk, but didn’t know what to say. Niki’s presence was too overwhelming, it affected him in a way he wasn’t prepared for. It was as if he was slightly short of breath, as well as distracted and ultrafocused at the same time. Hyperaware of Niki and everything he did, while chaotically full of feelings and confused thoughts. He glanced at Niki while he was busy watching the road. He really was cute, in a goofy kind of way. His overbite made him look funny but his sharp, beautiful eyes almost made you forget. James looked at his mouth and wanted to kiss him. What would happen if he did?   
The thought almost made him panic. What was he even doing here? Thinking about kissing a boy? He had wanted to before but never done it. It had been more of a fantasy, one of those things he masturbated to during the night, the thought of another boy’s mouth pressed to his, the hint of stubble on his skin, or a man’s naked body exposed to him. To do it for real was impossible. His parents would freak. The rest of his family, the whole town even, would shun him. Homosexuality wasn’t unheard of, even here, but it was viewed as something dark and depraved that went on in the cities. Not here among decent folk.   
“Where do you want to go?” Niki asked and startled him out of his thoughts.   
“I don’t know, anywhere.”  
Niki glanced at him, their eyes locked for a second, a quick smile, then back to the road again.   
“How about the drive-through by the motorway?”   
“Sounds good.”  
James’ friends never went there, it was too far and they didn’t have cars. They went to the town center which was within walking distance from school.   
Niki drove into the drive-through and they ordered hamburgers and sodas.   
“We could go to my parents’ summer house” Niki said after they had received their food. “It’s not far, and it’s empty. My parents never go there on week days.”  
They looked at each other in breathless silence. Going somewhere empty, secluded meant things could happen. James found that he really wanted things to happen. If they didn’t he might explode or lose his mind. He nodded.  
“Okay” he said.  
They drove in silence, the smell of hamburgers filling the car. James wondered how pissed off his parents would be when he got home. Not only had he been to detention, he had taken off with a new friend afterwards, without even telling them where he was going. Perhaps he could call them from the summer house, and make something up. He looked at Niki and again felt that longing that made him forget everything else. Was this worth getting in trouble for? He thought it was.   
‘Summer house’ implied a cottage or something else that was small and simple, but it was more of a small mansion, with a garage large enough to fit several cars. Niki drove into the garage, and turned the car off. The silence felt strange, as if something needed to fill it. They looked at each other and the tension between them grew even stronger now that there was nothing else to distract them.   
James swallowed. Niki’s eyes darted away from James’ and then back again, flickering nervously. He fidgeted with his hands, breathed faster. James gave in, leaned closer and kissed Niki on the mouth. Niki startled, but kissed back without hesitation. They remained locked together for what felt like a long time but was probably only a minute, their arms around each other and their lips exploring each other with awkward lust.   
Finally they stopped and looked at each other again. Niki’s cheeks were red and his eyes were full of light but his smile looked shy, and James felt his heart give itself over completely. He wasn’t entirely aware of it at the time, but afterwards he could look back at that moment as the point of no return. He laughed. Niki smiled wider. Both of them were a little short of breath, and neither knew what to say. They laughed, light-headed, intoxicated.   
“You’re amazing” James said. “I think maybe I love you.”  
Niki made a dismissive gesture.   
“You don’t even know me” he said.  
“I want to.”  
Niki nodded. They looked at each other again in silence, drinking each other in. James had never known it was possible to feel so completely in tune with another person.   
“Maybe we should go inside” Niki said at last. “The food is getting cold.”  
“Yeah.”  
They climbed out of the car, and Niki led the way inside the house. It was nice. Tastefully furnished by someone who knew what they were doing. Classy rather than cosy with white walls, hardwood floors and decorative items in grey, beige and blue. Everything matched, everything was in exactly the right place.   
“What do your parents do?” James asked.  
“They own a series of factories. ‘Lauda Industries’. It will all be mine when the time comes.”  
He said it matter-of-factly, without bragging but without a hint of humility. James’ family was well off too, but this was a different league. They both sat down at the kitchen table and started to unwrap their food. James’ burger was almost cold.   
“What do they think about you being in detention?” he asked and bit into it.  
Niki smiled.   
“They have no idea what to do with me” he said.   
“You’re not interested in school?”  
“No. My future is cut out for me. I will take over the company and I will run it my way, or sell it and do something else if I choose, and whether I do well in school or not won’t change anything.”  
James laughed.  
“I wish I had your self-esteem” he said.   
Niki looked surprised.  
“You don’t?” he said. “Why not?”  
James shrugged.  
“I just don’t” he said. “I get insecure. I don’t know… it’s no big deal.”  
He didn’t want to talk about it, but Niki wouldn’t let it go.  
“You’ve got everything going for you. You look hot, I know you’re popular, I’ve seen you with your group of friends, girls following you around. You’re good in school, aren’t you? One of those assholes who manage to be popular, hot AND get good grades. While I’m neither.”  
“Well, the grade part you could change” James said and smiled. “But you can’t do much about looking like a rat.”  
Niki made a face.   
“You think you’re the first person to say that?” he said.  
“No. But maybe I’m the hottest?”  
Niki smiled and nodded, and that almost shy look came back on his face and made James’ heart ache.   
“I think you’re hot too, for what it’s worth” he said.   
“Sure you do.”  
“I do!”  
“I don’t care.”  
“Yes you do.”  
“I really don’t” Niki said defiantly. “I couldn’t care less if people like me or not, or if they think I look like a rat.”  
James looked at him and tried to decide if he was telling the truth. It was impossible to tell, he didn’t know the guy.   
“You’re cute rather than hot, I would say” he said instead, going for the teasing line. “But you’ve got pretty eyes.”  
“God, stop it. You’re going to make me puke.”  
James laughed. 

They finished eating, cleaned off the table and put their trash in a bag to take out to the car later, since Niki had rather no one know they’d been here and that was fine with James.   
“Could you show me the house?” James asked when they were done.   
Niki looked at him.   
“Show you the house?” he asked. “Do you want to borrow my mother’s interior design magazines while you’re at it?”  
James laughed.   
“Stop being such an asshole and just show me the place. Or would you rather I just kiss you here?”  
Niki smiled.  
“Maybe there are more comfortable places” he said.   
“Then off we go.”  
The rest of the house looked much like the kitchen. Perfect in every detail, more like a showroom than a family summer house. It was hard to imagine a bunch of kids running in and out of here with the doors open to a warm summer day.  
“Do you have siblings?” James asked.  
“Yeah, a younger brother. How about you?”  
“I have two sisters and three brothers.”  
Niki stopped and stared at him.  
“For real?” he asked.  
James laughed.  
“Yeah. For real. That’s why I’m so obnoxious. You have to be to survive with so many siblings. What’s your excuse?”  
Niki grinned.  
“I’m just better than everyone else and can’t be bothered to hide it” he said.   
They found their way into the master bedroom, with a perfectly made bed in front of large windows overlooking the lake.   
“Comfortable enough for you?” Niki asked.  
James smiled, turned to Niki and kissed him. Somehow it felt even more exciting to kiss this strange boy in this posh house than doing it in the car. An even higher level of Forbidden. Niki put his arms around him and kissed him back, his head tipped back since he was a good half foot shorter than James. They slowly shuffled over to the bed without letting go of each other, and sat down on it. 

It felt like he’d always been there on the bed in the empty summer house, Niki’s body close to his, tasting his mouth, his head full of the smell of him and his whole body vibrating. Horny but scared to move past the stage of kissing and fondling into something else. He smiled.  
“This is crazy” he said.   
“I know” Niki answered.  
His voice was soft, his eyes slightly hazy. The tough edge had worn away and he seemed relaxed, as blissfully happy as James was. James glanced at his watch and felt a stab of anxiety.  
“Shit!” he said and sat up.  
He looked at the watch again as if he might somehow have misread it.   
“Do you want me to drive you home?” Niki asked and sat up too.  
“I don’t want to, but I have to get home. My parents will kill me.”  
“Yeah, mine too probably. I’m not supposed to miss dinner.”  
“Dinner?” James said and laughed. “It’s almost midnight.”  
“Yeah.”  
“What will they do?”  
Niki shrugged.  
“Yell. Maybe take my pocket money away. I don’t care, I have kind grandmas. I go to them and complain, they give me money and scold my parents for me.”  
“You’ve got everything under control, haven’t you?” James said.   
Niki shrugged again and looked away. James thought he might know what he was thinking. This, whatever they were doing, was not under control. Not in any way.   
“I’ll take you home” Niki said and got up off the bed.   
James stood up too and watched Niki smooth the bedspread and make sure they hadn’t left any traces. They went down to the garage, careful to take their trash with them.   
“When can I see you again?” James asked as they got into the car.   
“I don’t know. Tomorrow?”  
“I’ve promised my brother I’d go to the movies with him. But if I’m not in too much trouble with my parents I can see you on Sunday?”  
Niki made a face.  
“We have a family thing” he said. “We’re visiting my grandfather.”  
James’ heart sank.  
“Oh” he said. “Well… Monday after school?”  
“Yes.”  
Niki smiled and nodded.  
They drove in silence through the dark country side and into town. It felt like travelling to a different world. James didn’t want to go home, he wanted to go back to the summer house and stay there with Niki forever. Or go away with him and make a life somewhere else. He’d give almost anything to not have to go home, explain himself to his parents and pretend like Niki had never happened. 

He did get in trouble when he got home, but felt strangely indifferent to it.  
“Where have you been?”  
Mum was angry, that much was clear. Dad was sitting in the sofa, but James could see his face of disapproval even from a distance.  
“I’m sorry, I lost track of time. I got detention, and afterwards I just wanted to do something fun. I hung out with a new friend.”  
“Detention? For what?”  
“Disturbing class. I was only talking to Jack, I didn’t mean to get in trouble.”  
He had found that if he was honest and appeared regretful they forgave him sooner. Defending himself never worked, it only made them want to punish him so he would “learn”.  
“Let me see your report book.”  
He dug it out of his bag and handed it to her. She leafed through it while still standing right inside the door. He waited.   
“Well” she said stiffly. “Don’t do it again.”  
“I won’t.”  
But try as he might he couldn’t muster up any true regret. If he hadn’t gone to detention he would never have met Niki, and thinking about Niki made him feel as if he could fly. As soon as he was excused he went to the kitchen and made himself some sandwiches and then floated upstairs to his room.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning he felt like he was waking up to a new world. It was hard to believe Niki had existed in this world for as long as he had, in the same town and even the same school, and he had never really noticed him. Now he was all James could think about. How was it possible that one person could fill him up so completely?  

He got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. James’ father, his older sister and two of his younger brothers were in the dining room. Mum wasn’t there, she liked to get up early and was probably out with the dog.

“Good morning” James said and helped himself to eggs, tea and some toast.

He wondered what Niki was doing right now. What did his house look like? His room? Were his parents angry about last night?

“What’s wrong with you?” Sally asked.

“What?”

“Are you stoned?”

“Stoned?”

Dad looked up from his paper and looked at Sally, then at James, then back to Sally again. Peter and Timothy had stopped eating and were watching the show intently.

“Who’s stoned?” Dad asked.

Sally gestured at James.

“Look at him, he’s… glowing! Have you ever seen him this happy?”

Dad looked closely at James, who was starting to feel annoyed.

“I think so, yes” Dad said. “Why wouldn’t he be happy?”

“After getting detention yesterday and then getting into trouble for being home late? He should look like a thunder cloud on legs.”

Dad looked thoughtful.

“I’m not on drugs!” James said.

“Why did you come home so late last night?” Sally asked.

“That’s none of your business!”

“I’m telling you” Sally said and shook her head. “He’s up to something.”

“When isn’t he?” Dad muttered and went back to his paper.

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Sally?” James said, to his younger brothers’ delight.

“James, language” Dad said without looking up.

Sally flipped him the finger and then left the table. Good riddance.

 

Coming back to school on Monday was disorienting. He felt like a different person than he had been on Friday. He tried to chat with his friends like usual, but he felt sick with longing and kept scanning the halls for a sight of Niki. He did see him occasionally, walking down the hall or standing by his locker or sitting in the cafeteria. Sometimes with his class mates, but often alone.

“Hunt, where is your head today?” Mr Webber, the math teacher, said after James had failed to hear his name called twice and then answered wrong when he was asked to solve an equation. “You can do a lot better than this.”

“I’m sorry, Mr Webber” James said. “I’m just tired.”

“Suck-up” Jack mouthed from his desk next to James.

James ignored him. The whole day had been torture. He couldn’t think about anything but Niki, and each second dragged itself along slower than the last so that the end of school seemed like it would never come. When it finally came he couldn’t get out of there soon enough.

“Wanna go and…” Jack started, but James cut him off.

“Sorry mate, got something to do. Talk to you later!”

Niki was waiting for him in his car.

“Finally” he said when James opened the passenger door and stepped inside. “I’m freezing to death.”

James looked around and when he didn’t see anyone he took Niki’s face between his hands and kissed him long and hard. It felt like finally allowing a dam to burst after struggling to hold it together, as if this was where he was supposed to be and everything else was wrong.

“I’ve missed you so much” James said when they finally let go.

Niki looked at him and his eyes were shiny.

“Are you crying?” James asked.

“Of course not!” Niki said and looked annoyed. “Let’s go.”

He started the car.

 

“No one can know” James said later, as they were lying on the bed in the summer house, Niki’s head resting on his shoulder. “We have to keep this to ourselves.”

“Of course” Niki said. “If my parents find out about this they’ll disown me.”

“Yeah me too. Plus our social lives will go belly-up.”

“I can do without my social life” Niki said. “But it’s going to be a lot harder to do the things I want in the future if my parents cut me off for being gay.”

James wanted to ask about that future. Was he in it? Could there possibly be a future where they weren’t together? But he didn’t. He kissed Niki’s forehead. Niki turned his face towards him and they shifted so they could kiss properly. James was hard, had been for some time. He couldn’t tell if Niki was too, but how could he not be?

“Have you had sex?” James asked.

“Yes. With a girl.”

An image developed in James’ mind of a naked Niki together with a girl. It turned him on even more.

“Never with a guy?” he asked.

“No.”

“Me neither. But how hard can it be?”

Niki looked at him and their eyes met, locked for a moment in a mutual feeling of anticipation, excitement and a hint of fear.

“Let me undress you” James said and started to gently lift the hem of Niki’s sweater.

“I can undress myself” Niki objected.

“It’s much more romantic if I do it.”

“I’m not romantic.”

James swallowed his frustration and gave Niki his most seductive smile. He had done this with girls, it couldn’t be all that different with a boy. Even a difficult one.

“Shut up and let me undress you” he said and continued with the sweater.

Niki stopped resisting, but he seemed tense and uncomfortable while James pulled his sweater off and started to unbutton his shirt. Perhaps this was a bad idea after all. Should he have just gone for it, wham-bam, without any of this romance stuff? But he wanted it this way, he wanted to savor it. This wasn’t just sex, it was love and it needed to be treated with respect.

When Niki was naked from the waist up, James took his own shirt and sweater off, and then ran his eyes and hands over Niki’s chest and shoulders. He was small and skinny. Not very impressive, but beautiful in his very own way. Niki responded in kind, and they kissed. They got up on their knees on the bed so they could press their bodies together, and now James could feel the hard bulge in Niki’s pants press against his own. The smell of him was intoxicating. James couldn’t remember ever having been this close to another boy. It was like exploring an alternate universe.  

They both had to make it up as they went along, and James felt awkward and insecure in a way he hadn’t since he was a virgin. Touching each other so intimately and feeling pleasure together was more intense, more vulnerable and more arousing than anything he’d ever done. Despite consuming a fair share of gay porn (which it turned out he wasn’t the only one to have done) it took some experimenting before he managed to get inside Niki without too much pain. And then he came almost instantly.

“I’m sorry” he said and pulled out. “That was… I didn’t expect it to be so…”

“You’re done already?” Niki asked and looked both bewildered and disappointed.

“Yeah” James said sheepishly, his face burning. “Your turn?”

“Okay.”

To his relief Niki didn’t last any longer, and afterwards they could both laugh.

“Gay sex is hard” Niki said when they were lying on the bed together.

“Yes. But we’ll get the hang of it.”

“Of course. We’ll just need to practice. A lot.”

James looked at Niki and laughed. They lay in silent bliss for a while, a feeling of perfect understanding.

“I’ve never been so close to anyone before” James said. “I love you so much. It made me realize I’ve never been in love before. I thought so, but I haven’t.”

“I know what you mean” Niki said, looking at him with drowsy eyes, his whole being glowing with relaxed pleasure. “I love you too.”

“I want to be with you always. I want to run away and marry you.”

He got up on his knees, looking eagerly at Niki. Niki looked back, somewhat confused.

“Marry me, Niki” he said. “Please. Say that you will. As soon as we can.”

Niki looked back and for a moment James couldn’t breathe for fear that he would laugh. But he didn’t, his beautiful eyes seemed full of emotion.

“I will” he said and nodded. “As soon as we turn 18 we’ll leave here and get married.”

Relief flooded his heart. He found himself crying but he didn’t care.

“Promise?” he asked.

“I promise. Don’t cry…”

“Sorry.”

He wiped his tears and lay down again. They rested for a while, though rest was hard to find with so many raging emotions running through him. Suddenly Niki sat up and studied a patch of the bedspread they were lying on.

“Shit!” he exclaimed. “We made a mess! I have to get this cleaned!”

“A mess?”

“We got… stuff on it.”

James laughed.

“Stuff?” he said.

“You know what I mean! I have to get it out of here and have it cleaned before they notice.”

“When will your parents come here next?”

“I’m not sure. They usually come for Easter, but that’s no guarantee they won’t be here until then.”

“And they don’t know you come here?”

Niki shook his head.

“I stole the key and made a copy.”

“Why?”

Niki shrugged.

“It’s pretty. Quiet and peaceful. I like to come out here and think.”

James looked at him, smiling.

“You are so weird” he said. “What do you have to think about?”

“Lots of stuff” Niki said and looked offended. “Get off and put some clothes on, I need to fix this.”

“Niki, calm down. It’s already dirty, we can lie here a bit longer.”

But Niki was already on his feet and pulling his clothes on.

“No. Get off. Help me get this off the bed, but be careful.”

Reluctantly James got off the bed and put his clothes on. He tried to understand how their moment of perfect harmony had developed into this.

“Niki I’m sorry I said you don’t have stuff to think about.”

Niki gave him a cold look.

“As if I care what you think” he said. “I need to fix this before my parents find me out, or I’ll never get to come here again. And then where will we meet? Your place?”

James felt relieved that there were at least going to be more meetings. He helped Niki fold the bedspread and take it out to the car.

“Our housekeeper is nice” Niki said. “I think I can get her to wash it for me without asking any questions. But we have to be more careful from now on. We need to bring a sheet or blanket or something to protect the linen.”

“I’ll bring something from home” James said. “There are 8 people living at our house, that’s a lot of laundry. No one’s going to notice.”

“Okay. Just make sure it’s clean.”

“What do you think of me? That I’ll bring a dirty sheet?”

“Never mind. Come on. I’ll drive you home.”


	4. Chapter 4

Niki looked at him in disbelief.

“Homework?” he said.

James unpacked his books on the beautiful white kitchen table in the summer house.

“I have to” he said. “My mother gave me a stern lecture last night. I’ve been letting my school work slip since I met you. If I don’t keep my grades up and my teachers happy, my parents won’t let me go out after school. I’ll never be able to see you.”

He fixed Niki with a grave stare.

“I’m doing my homework for _you_ , Niki” he said.

Niki burst out laughing. James laughed too and opened his math book.

“But this is going to take hours!” Niki complained with a gesture at the books.

“It will if you’re going to be like that” James snapped. “Why don’t you do yours?”

Niki rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious” James said. “It won’t hurt you. Sure, you’ve got your life all planned, but what if it doesn’t go according to plan? A bit of knowledge will always come in handy.”

“Stop it, you’re going to make me sick.”

“I’m serious! You want to run a company? You need to understand mathematics, or you won’t even be able to read the financial pages. You need English, to be able to read quickly and understand shit, and express yourself in writing. You told me you want to learn to fly. That’s physics. Lots of it. Winds and forces and shit. Anything you don’t learn now you have to do later instead.”

“Physics? Who told you that?”

James grinned. He had him now.

“I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was younger. My sister Sally told me I would need to study physics. She likes destroying people’s dreams and she does it well.”

“Fuck.”

“Come on, just do it. Do you have your books?”

“Of course I don’t have my books” Niki said with contempt.

“Take mine, then.”

“I’m a year behind you!”

“Great. You’ll be a year ahead of your class. Imagine your teacher’s reaction. He’ll fall off his chair.”

Niki laughed and tentatively opened James’ physics book as if it might bite him.

“I don’t know where to start” he whined.

“Start from the beginning. There’s a glossary at the end, and I can explain whatever you don’t understand.”

James got started on his equations, expecting Niki to give up within a few minutes, but when he had finished his maths (with a couple of breaks to explain basic physics to Niki) and started on chemistry Niki was still reading, scribbling notes on a loose page from James’ notebook. James watched him for a little while, impressed by his intense focus, how completely absorbed he was by the book.

“Niki, if you apply yourself like that to every school subject, you’ll be a straight A student before summer.”

“Shut up” Niki muttered without taking his eyes off the book.

When he was finished with all his homework Niki was still reading. James reached out his hand and closed the book.

“Hey, why don’t you study me for a bit now?” he said and smiled.

“Just let me finish the chapter.”

James looked at him in surprise.

“Whatever” he said and let Niki reopen the book. “Do you understand everything? Need me to explain?”

“I understand fine. It’s not that complicated.”

“High school physics is not complicated?”

“Shut up, I’m almost done.”

 

Jack must have noticed right away that something was different, but he waited three weeks until he finally confronted James with it. James had known it would happen sooner or later, but he wished it wouldn’t.

“Listen” Jack said standing next to James by his locker. “Aron saw you get into a car with that Lauda kid a few days ago. I told him he must be wrong.”

James glanced at him and could see the hurt written all over his face, however bravely he tried to hide it.

“So what if I was?” he said.

Jack’s eyebrows shot up.

“You were? That little brat? I was hoping Aron was full of shit.”

“Lauda’s not a little brat, he’s the same age as us. He had to repeat a year.”

“Okay, so he’s a loser. Big difference. When did this happen? Is that where you’ve been these last few weeks when you’ve been ‘busy’? I’ve barely seen you!”

“It’s no big deal” James said and shrugged. “We were in detention together and started talking. He’s alright.”

“He’s an asshole! Aron was in a class with him last year, said he’d never met such a stuck-up jerk.”

James looked at Jack.

“Jack” he said sweetly. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’re jealous.”

Jack looked angry, but not before a look of pain had passed over his face.

“Jealous?” he spat. “Jealous of what?”

“Maybe you want me to yourself” James said, not quite sure why he was being so mean. He wanted to stop, but a part of him wanted to go on and pour all his frustrations out in one go. “You know what? I’m not your boyfriend. You don’t own me.”

“James, what the fuck!”

“I’ve got class” James said and closed his locker.

“Fuck off. Just… fuck you.”

He could hear on Jack’s voice how close to tears he was but he walked away to his class room anyway. It felt pretty good.


	5. Chapter 5

They lay next to each other in the bed. They were _in_ the bed for a change, not on it. They had brought clean sheets so they could put the old ones back after they were done. James had told his parents he was sleeping over at a girl's house, and since his grades were up again they had agreed to it. Niki had told a similar lie to his parents. His newfound interest in physics had remained and spread into English and mathematics, and apparently his parents were so relieved at his sudden jump in grades that they allowed him almost anything. They'd even bought him his own car, though he wasn't allowed to drive it until he turned 17. Not that they bothered to check that it was in the garage and not out on the roads with their son.

He lay there with his arm around Niki dreaming about a future where they could lie in bed all day, their own bed, and not have to hide from anyone. Could it happen? In a big city perhaps. There would still be prejudice, but not like here.

"Are you still cross?" Niki asked after a while. "About last night?"

James thought it over.

"No" he said. "But I still think you could have made an effort. The others did."

"I told you I hate parties."

"Well, then you either decline the invitation - politely! - or you show up and make an effort, and..."

He stopped himself. They'd already had this conversation last night, with raised voices and hurt feelings all around. Niki had shown up to a party with James and his friends and behaved as if everyone there had personally insulted him. It had been embarrassing and massively disappointing. Not only had James looked forward to having Niki in his gang of friends, which would never happen now, his friends were now convinced he was insane for ever going near Niki in the first place. It had all ended quite dramatically with Niki leaving in a rage and James getting very drunk.

"Never mind" he said. "I don't want to fight about it again."

They were quiet for a while.

"Maybe you're right" Niki said finally, his voice sounding uncharacteristically insecure. "I could have made an effort. I was rude."

"That's an understatement" James said but tried to keep his voice soft.

"I'm sorry."

James turned his head and looked at him. Niki looked back and James was overwhelmed by a wave of love so intense it took his breath away.

"It's okay" he whispered, not sure if he could trust his voice. "I'm not cross anymore. I'll just... never take you to a party again."

Niki smiled.

"But we'll have to have a party when we get married" James said.

Niki smiled.

"If you want one we can have one" he said.

They turned towards each other and kissed. Slowly at first, tasting each other and enjoying the freedom to do so here at the summer house, where no one could see them. Then more intense, feeling the heat spread through their bodies. After being together for almost two months gay sex didn't seem that hard anymore. They had gotten quite good at it. This time was special because they didn't have to hurry home afterwards. They had all night and they used it. When they had finally spent every last bit of hormonal energy Niki fell asleep with his head on James' arm. James lay there in the silent darkness feeling awash with love and contentment. He couldn't believe it was possible to be this happy.

 

They woke up to a room full of screaming voices. James opened his eyes and almost screamed himself when he saw a middle-aged woman standing by the bed, staring at him and screaming at the top of her lungs. A man of the same age stood next to him, staring but thankfully not screaming. James turned to Niki, who was awake and trying to talk to the hysterical woman. He seemed like they knew each other, and after a moment James could see the family resemblance.

The woman finally stopped screaming and slapped her husband's arm.

"Do something!" she yelled. "Get him out of here!"

She pointed at James, who realized that must be his cue to leave.

"I'm... uh.... Sorry, mrs Lauda, can I just put some clothes on?"

"Oh God!" the woman screamed and looked like she was going to be sick. "Put your clothes on and get out!"

She turned her back to them, and had her husband do the same. James and Niki looked at each other. Niki looked miserable.

"Your parents?" James asked quietly.

Niki nodded.

"We are so fucked" he whispered, and then got out of bed and started to get dressed. "I'll try and call you later."

"Okay. Good luck."

James put his clothes on as fast as he could.

"Um... We're decent" he said.

Niki's parents turned to them, their faces so full of rage he felt quite scared. They both pointed at the door.

"Get out" the mother said. "And don't ever let us see you near our son again, you disgusting pervert."

James left. He ran down the stairs fuming with anger, then out into the cool morning. They had taken Niki's car there the night before, so all he could do was start walking. Maybe he could find a bus somewhere, or it would take him hours to walk all the way home.

About half an hour later two cars passed. The first one was Niki's, driven by his father. After it came another car James didn't recognize, driven by his mother and with Niki in the back seat. When they passed Niki looked at him and James looked back. That one look felt more painful than being thrown out of their house and called a pervert. He wondered when they would next get a chance to see each other. Everything would be so much harder after this.


	6. Chapter 6

He did find a bus eventually, but he could only ride it to the town center and then had to take another bus from there. He was so tired after his long walk he almost fell asleep while waiting for the second bus.

When he came home it was past noon and all he wanted was to eat something and lie down and rest, but Peter spotted him as he came in and looked at him as if he'd seen a ghost. 

"James, where have you been?" He asked in a near-whisper.

"Out."

James went to the kitchen, and Peter followed. His mother was at the kitchen table, and the way she looked at him made his blood run cold. He had hoped Niki's parents would keep their discovery to themselves, but apparently not.

"James" his mother said with a voice so cold it made him want to cry. "Take a seat."

"Can I just get some water?" He asked.

She nodded and sent Peter to fetch dad. Peter looked at James with sympathy and fear before he went. James sat down with his water. They waited in silence.

When dad showed up he looked just as cold and angry as mum, and sat down next to her, opposite James. It felt like he was going to be interrogated, which he probably was.

"Peter" dad said. "Go, and close the door."

They both looked at James.

"We got a call from Niki Lauda's parents" dad said finally. "Never heard of the guy. Why's that, James?"

James shrugged.

"They were very upset" dad continued. "They claim you've....seduced their son."

His voiced trembled a little.

"I didn't seduce anyone, it was mutual" James said quietly, not sure how he should behave. He was scared and felt very small. "We love each other"

"Nonsense!" Dad yelled, drops of spit flying from his lips.

James shrank back. He couldn't remember when he had last seen his father so angry. 

"I've had it up to here with you" dad said. "All your partying and flirting, staying out late with girls, coming in at all hours of the night, you don't think we know? But we've put up with it because you're a good boy at heart, and a good student. But this...this... Why? Did you have to check how far you could go? You really thought there were no limits?"

James stared at him and finally realized just how much trouble he was in. He had known it was going to be bad if they were found out, he just hadn’t stopped to think _how_ bad. "No, dad, it's not like that at all!"

"Perhaps we have been too lenient. Maybe we've failed you."

"No you haven't! You've been great! I’m sorry!”

"We thought we could trust you, James" mum said, and to James' horror she sounded on the verge of tears. "You're almost a grown-up. But we were wrong."

"Mum, you don't understand! I love Niki! This isn’t flirting, this is special. I’ve never felt like this for anyone before!”

"Enough of that" dad cut him off. "Go to your room. We'll decide what to do with you. You're grounded until further notice and we will drive you to school and pick you up after. There will be no more adventures for you."

James wanted to cry and scream and plead, but his parents' faces were so hard and cold and sad that not a word came out. He went to his room, locked the door, lay down on the bed and cried himself to sleep.

 

The rest of the weekend was a nightmare. His parents behaved as if he'd murdered someone, and his siblings tiptoed around him, frightened by the changed atmosphere in the house and not entirely clear on what he had done to cause it. He wasn't allowed anywhere near a phone, so he couldn't call Niki and ask how he was holding up. 

On the night between Sunday and Monday he lay awake, mind racing to try and think of solutions. Punishment was coming, both for him and Niki, that much he was sure of. But how? They couldn't ground him for the rest of high school, could they? If only he could make them see sense. 

He fantasized about running away with Niki. They could go to a bigger city, disappear, get jobs to support themselves, maybe finish school later. But he knew deep inside he wasn't brave enough for that. He would have to stay and hope for his parents' mercy. And as soon as high school was over they were free. Two years was a long time, but it wasn't forever.

 

Being dropped off outside of school by his mother was embarrassing to say the least. He checked the parking lot before going in, but Niki's car wasn't there. He felt a stab of anxiety and went inside to look for him. He saw him standing at his locker and had to stop himself from running up to him.

“Niki” he said when he reached him.

Niki looked at him and looked as miserable as he felt. James’ heart ached. It had been so good. Why couldn’t it go on like that?

“How are you?”

Niki shrugged.

“Are your parents very upset?”

“Yes. I don’t know yet what they’ll do, but it’s not going to be good. They took my car away, all my pocket money, everything. They talked about sending me to a different school.”

James nodded. He moved a little closer, trying to make it look like they were just talking about something like ordinary friends. He felt overwhelmed by how unfair it was. They had done nothing wrong, why couldn’t anyone else see that?

“I wish I could touch you” he whispered. “And kiss you. I miss you so much, it’s driving me crazy.”

Niki nodded and James thought he could see tears in his eyes.

“I wish we could run away together” Niki said. “Go somewhere far away from all this bullshit and live our lives in peace.”

James’ heart started beating faster.

“We could” he said. “It would be really tough, but we could make it.”

“Yeah. But is it worth it? If we wait two more years we’ve got our diplomas and have turned 18 and can do whatever we want.”

The bell rang for the first class of the morning. All the other students hurried to their classes but James couldn’t bring himself to move. Finally the hall was empty and everything was quiet. He looked around and then when he couldn’t see anyone he kissed Niki on the mouth. Niki kissed him back and put his arms around him. They stood there pressing themselves against each other for a few more moments, and then let go and looked around.

“We have to get to class, or we’ll get in even bigger trouble” Niki said.

“Yeah. I’ll see you around.”

“I’m grounded.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

The following days were torture. He had to drag himself through the miserable, meaningless school days, living for the fleeting moments he could steal with Niki when no one was watching. His friends asked what had happened, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk to them. They withdrew with hurt looks on their faces. The evenings were passed in quiet agony in his room to try and avoid his angry parents.

On Thursday he was summoned to the living room. His parents were sitting in the sofa and made him stand in front of them while waiting for his final punishment.

“We’re going to send you to boarding school in another town” dad said after a long, pregnant silence.

“What? Why?”

“We think you need to be someplace where they can keep an eye on you. It’s a good school with a good reputation. You’ll get a first class education there.”

“But why so far away? I won’t even be able to come home on weekends!”

Dad’s eyes grew harder.

“That’s the idea” he said. “You need to get as far away from that boy as you can.”

He wanted to scream that Niki wasn’t just that boy, he was his soul mate. But they would never understand. He also wanted to cry. Didn’t they want to see him anymore? But he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“I had to pull a lot of strings to get you in this late in the school year” dad said. “You should be grateful.”

Silence. James fought to stay in control of himself.

“May I go back to my room?” he asked.

“Yes. You can start packing your things, you’re leaving on Sunday.”

He ran up to his room and locked the door, then threw a fit of rage that scared even himself. He half expected his parents to come up and make a fuss, but they didn’t. That made him calm down. They didn’t care enough about him to make sure he didn’t get hurt. But then of course they had already hurt him as badly as they possibly could. He lay down on the bed and cried.


	7. Chapter 7

The night was clear and cold. Spring was in the air and the flower beds at the Lauda estate were full of tulips and daffodils, but there was no warmth yet in the night air. 

James ran across the lawn, his heart beating hard and fast. What if there were guards, or dogs? He should have asked Niki when he had the chance. Why hadn't he? Stupid. Always so stupid. 

He saw the floodlight in time and took a wide berth around it without setting it off. Then carefully, avoiding the gravel paths, he snuck around the house to the back. He looked at the row of downstairs windows and felt his heart sink. Which one was Niki's? He had only mentioned in passing that his room was on the bottom floor overlooking the back yard. There were so many windows. Perhaps if he could climb up and look inside? The windows were high enough so he couldn't see in while standing on the ground. He walked up to one of them and started to carefully climb the ivy. It ripped and he fell to the ground. Fuck! He got up, brushed himself off and tried to push the ivy back against the wall as best he could. Now what? 

He heard a sound from one of the windows and wondered if he should hide. What if it was Niki? But what if it wasn't? He waited in plain sight, ready to run if needed. His bicycle was waiting nearby, he could be out of here in seconds.

One of the windows opened.

"James?"

"Niki!"

"There's a door. I'll unlock it for you."

James waited and after a few seconds a door a few windows down opened. James ran up to it and threw his arms around Niki.  

"Come in" Niki said and ushered him inside so he could close the door. 

The walked up half a flight of stairs and into Niki's room. It was big, more like a small flat. Impeccably tidy, every single thing in the right place, which meant it took a while before you noticed there were airplanes everywhere. Plane models, plane posters, books about planes. 

"You really like planes" James said and smiled.

Niki smiled and nodded. 

"I'm saving up for a flight certificate. Dad promised that if I save up half the money he'll give me the rest for my 18th birthday."

"That will be cool. Then you can take me flying."

"I will."

They looked at each other and the light small talk seemed to fall away. Niki stepped up to him and hugged him hard and long. He was wearing pajamas and was warm from having been in bed. James held him as hard as he dared and buried his face in his hair. 

"Are you leaving for boarding school tomorrow?" Niki asked, barely audible from having his face against James' chest.

"Yes."

"My dad is talking about taking me out of school and giving me an internship at his company."

"That should suit you fine. No more school."

"Yeah. I don't want to go there when you won't be there."

They sat down on Niki's bed. 

"I don't want to go" James said, feeling his voice break and his eyes starting to sting with the threat of tears.

"Come" Niki said and lay down. "You can stay the night. I'll set my alarm so I can drive you home before my parents get up."

James kicked his shoes off and pulled his sweater off so he could lie down next to Niki.

"I've got my bike outside" he said.

"We'll put it in the back."

"Okay."

He pressed himself closer to Niki, letting himself rest in Niki's embrace. How would he ever manage without him? Niki was as cool and calculating as James was hot-headed and thoughtless. He started to cry. Niki stroked his hair and his back.

"James, don’t cry" he said but his voice was near breaking too and after a moment James could feel him sob. They lay like that for a long time and then they kissed. They gently wiped the tears from each other's faces and kissed again. James had thought that the burning mass of pain inside him would prevent any kind of lust, but now he felt himself get hard. After a while he felt Niki's hand find its way inside his pants.

After they were done they lay in silence. There really was nothing to say.

 

When James came home early on Sunday morning, his head aching with crying and lack of sleep, he met his mother coming in. She looked at him with disapproval.

"Where have you been?"

James felt a surge of anger.

"I've been to say good bye to Niki" he said. "And if you say a word about that I'll leave right now and never come back. You can forget about boarding school, I'll live on the streets."

His mother sighed.

"All right" she said.

"I really love him. It's not about sex, it's for real. Sending me away will only delay things, we're meant to be together."

He waited to see if she would be upset again, but she just looked tired. For a moment he hoped she might understand.

"I'm sure you think you love him, but you don't. You're just confused, going through a phase. That's why we're sending you away, to protect you from yourself. You'll meet a nice girl one day and realize that all this was just...wrong, and that we did the right thing."

"What if I don't? What if I keep falling for boys? How far away can you send me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're not...like that. Now I don't want to hear any more talk like that."

 


	8. Chapter 8

"How do you feel? Are you ready?"

"I think so" Ronnie said.

James put his hand on either side of Ronnie's bare ass and slowly pushed inside. It felt heavenly and he heard himself moan. Ronnie grunted.

"Does it feel okay?" James asked.

"Yes. Much better than I thought."

He pushed in a little harder, felt the slick tightness squeeze him and closed his eyes while he moved in and out. When he felt Ronnie relax he quickened the pace. It felt strange but good to be with a man again, it had been so long. Three years? Four? Not since… no, don’t go there. He had no romantic feelings for Ronnie, but he was a good friend with a nice body and it was all for fun anyway. 

"Still good?" He asked, his voice strained now that the pleasure was growing. "Can I go a bit harder?"

"Sure" Ronnie said.

James pushed a bit harder, felt the orgasm start to build up and then wash over him. For a few seconds he existed only as pure sexual pleasure, the world and all its problems completely shut out. Then he pulled out.

"I've made a mess" he said with a small laugh and reached for a handkerchief to wipe the lube and cum off Ronnie's ass. "There you are, good as new."

Ronnie turned around and looked at him. His own dick was still standing as a reminder that they weren't finished.

"How was it?" He asked.

"It was amazing" James said. "And now it's your turn."

Ronnie looked uncomfortable.

"I don't know" he said.

"Why not? I can tell you want to."

James nodded at Ronnie's hard dick. Ronnie moved his hand in front of it.

"It just feels kinda weird" he said.

"It's just sex" James said and smiled. "But I can suck you if you prefer that?"

"I don't know..."

"Come on, just relax. Don't add any value to this. It's just pleasure."

He put his hand around Ronnie's dick and slowly moved it up and down like they had during foreplay.

"My parents would…"

"They're not here. You're not a child, you’re in college. You’re supposed to live your own life here, right? Either you want it, and then you do it. Or you don't want it, and you don't do it. It's very simple."

"Yeah. I know. I want it."

James smiled, got up on all fours and offered his ass to Ronnie. He prepared himself with his fingers while Ronnie watched, slowly stroking his dick.

"There. You may enter."

Ronnie giggled, and then James could feel him start to push inside.

"Come on, don't be shy. I won't break."

Ronnie pushed in a little harder. James heard him moan and felt himself start to get hard again. He tried to support himself on one arm so he could touch himself, and thought how good it was that he worked out so much. 

Ronnie came before he did, pulled out and sat down on the bed, a little short of breath.

"I'm just gonna finish up here" James said, sat down and continued to jerk himself off. It took a little longer now but knowing that Ronnie was watching added extra excitement. He closed his eyes when the orgasm finally rolled through him, and thought about how much he loved sex. It didn't matter that much who he was sleeping with, as long as you were relaxed and having fun it was always good.

"So, how did you like it?"

"It was good. But I don't know if I'd do it again. I prefer girls."

James nodded.

"I'm glad I got to try though" Ronnie said. "Thanks."

"No problem. If you want to try it again, just let me know. If not, that's fine too."

They put some clothes on and Ronnie moved to the tiny sofa in James tiny dorm room while James got some more beer out of the tiny fridge.

"Wanna watch something?" James asked as he sat down.

"Sure."

James flicked through the channels and found a horror movie that had just begun.

"Have you done this a lot?" Ronnie asked after a while. "I mean, sex with men."

James considered shrugging the question off, replying with something vague that made him sound cool and experienced. But he liked Ronnie. They had hung out more and more over the last year, and he had the potential of a true friend rather than just a fellow student.

"Actually, there's only been one before you" he said and turned the volume down on the TV. "Years ago. I was still in high school."

Ronnie must have picked up something in his voice because he looked at him with sympathy in his eyes.

"And he was...special?" He asked quietly.

"Yes" James said. "At the time I thought he was the love of my life."

He tried for a laugh but it caught in his throat as a shockwave of pain went through him. He hadn't thought about Niki in a long time and had managed to make himself forget.

"Wasn't he?" Ronnie asked.

James shrugged. 

"We were just kids."

"So what happened?"

James hesitated, surprised by how fresh the grief felt. 

"Our parents found out and freaked. We lived in a small town, our families a bit posh. You know, status and appearance means a lot. My parents shipped me off to boarding school, his parents took him out of school altogether, and that was it, really. I mean, we tried to stay in touch, writing letters and calling. But the school I was at only had one phone, and whenever I did manage to call it was always his parents who picked up. After a while we just sort of...stopped."

"How sad."

James thought about that last night in Niki's room and had to push the memory away. Too painful. They had promised to wait for each other. Why hadn't they?

"Never mind that" he said trying to sound unaffected and turned the volume back up. "We were just kids. How about another beer?"

"I'm only half way through mine. Got any crisps?"

"I'll check."

He got up and looked in his tiny cupboard while trying to regain control of himself. He wondered what Niki was doing tonight. Was he with someone? Did he ever think about their time together? James considered calling Jack to ask if Niki was still around and if he knew how he was doing. Jack was still living in their home town and he and James had mostly lost touch though they had never fallen out. Maybe he'd call tomorrow. Or maybe he wouldn't.


	9. Chapter 9

”Congratulations, you big moron” Jack said with a big smile and gave James a hug. “I never thought you’d actually get a degree. Who did you have to fuck to get it?”

He let go and grinned at James. James grinned back.

“I can’t tell you that” he said. “But it was good.”

They slapped each other on the back, the intimacy feeling forced and unnatural. He tried to remember when they had last seen each other, but couldn’t quite recall. Years, at least. It was nice to have him here though.

“Here’s my friend Ronnie” he said when Ronnie showed up already quite drunk. “He was in my class and he’s somehow managed to graduate too.”

“Nice to meet you Ronnie” Jack said and shook hands with Ronnie. “And congratulations on your degree. So you’re both going to be veterinarians now?”

“Yeah” Ronnie said happily. “We were going to be doctors but we weren’t smart enough.”

He laughed very loud, and James and Jack laughed too.

“But if you ever need a doctor don’t hesitate to call” Ronnie continued. “You’re not that different from a cow after all.”

“Ronnie, where’s Suzy?” James asked.

“How the hell should I know? I’ll go find her for you, shall I?”

“Yeah, you do that. Me and my old friend here have to talk small town memories, you wouldn’t understand.”

Ronnie shuddered.

“Boooooring” he said and turned towards the bar. “Fuck Suzy. I need a girl of my own. Where are they? Come here girls, the vet is in!”

He stumbled off and James turned back to Jack. “Come on” he said and put a hand on Jack’s shoulder.  They pushed through the crowd of drunk students and graduates. “Let’s get you a drink and talk about old times. How are things at home?”

“Same as usual. Boring and narrow-minded” Jack said and grinned.

“Do you still work for your dad?” James asked and gestured at the bartender to hand him two beers.

“We’re more like partners now” Jack said. “He’s having trouble with his back, so I’m starting to take over the lumber yard more and more while he does the books and administration.”

“Do you like it?”

He got the beers and handed one to Jack. They headed over to a sofa by the back wall of the pub. On their way there several people stopped them to congratulate James on his degree.

“Wow, you seem popular” Jack said.

“Never hurts to be a bit friendly” James said with a smile.

“I really feel like the hillbilly visiting the city now. I always knew you’d go far, but then when you just disappeared off to that boarding school… what on Earth got into your parents?”

James shrugged.

“Who knows? They’re happy now, anyway. They came for my ceremony and then we went out for dinner. Nobody mentioned that I was meant to study medicine.”

He laughed. At that moment Suzy showed up and joined them. She looked stunning as usual, blond and long-legged and dressed just enough to look sexy and classy at the same time. James had no idea how she did it, but he was deeply impressed.

“Jack, meet my fiancé Suzy” he said. “Suzy, this is my old friend from high school.”

“Oh, from the boarding school? I’ve heard all about what goes on there…” she said with a flirtatious smile. Apparently she was quite drunk too.

“No, from before that.”

“Oh?” she said and looked confused.

“I was at a different high school first. Never mind, long story.”

She smiled. James looked at her and then at Jack. Jack seemed quite taken with her, and James wondered if perhaps now was a good time to bring up what he had wanted to talk about ever since he knew Jack was coming to his graduation party.

“You remember that kid I hung out with a bit just before I went to boarding school?” he said. “Lauda?”

“Sure. He still lives in town and he’s still an asshole” Jack said happily, still looking at Suzy. “I run into him now and then at the steak house on Main street. He goes there for lunch. He got married just a few weeks ago, if you’d believe it. Beautiful girl from out of town. She’s as pretty and lovely as he’s ugly and mean.”

James felt a stab to his gut. He was engaged to marry Suzy, of course he had considered the possibility that Niki might be with someone too. But to hear it like that was surprisingly painful. He tried to count back the years since he’d last seen him and arrived at seven. It felt longer.

“Good” he said and forced a smile. “I’m happy for him. Does he work for his father too?”

“Yeah. He’s some kind of junior manager now. Wears a suit to work, you should see him. Apparently he’s doing well, though. He was in the paper not long ago, did some project to increase profits at one of the factories without laying off staff.”

“Good for him” James said.

They went on to talk about other people they had known back in the day. James tried to focus and have fun, but the discomfort in his stomach wouldn’t leave him. He tried to drown it in beer and whisky, and at long last it disappeared into the fog.

He woke up out of a dream where he had been to Niki’s wedding to try and stop it before it was too late. He felt disoriented when he woke up, and it wasn’t just the hangover. He tried to remember last night, but it slipped just beyond his grasp while all the embarrassing details of the dream felt real and tangible. Niki had looked just like his 16 year old self, dressed up in a fancy suit and standing next to a beautiful girl in a wedding dress. He’d been smiling from ear to ear, his ridiculous teeth standing out, and James had been trying to get his attention to call off the wedding.

Something moved next to him, and he looked to see a girl from the party sleeping beside him. On his other side was another sleeping girl. Neither of them were Suzy. He looked around the room. At least he was in his own dorm room, but Suzy wasn’t there and neither was Jack or Ronnie. What had happened last night? He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter. Soon he and Suzy would be married and that would be the end of nights like these. He would be a responsible adult and leave the chaos of university life behind him for good.

He tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. The dream faded quickly, but the feeling of longing and despair that he’d had in it didn’t. After a while he got up, showered and dressed and went out. He grabbed some coffee from one of the cafés at campus and then headed towards the library. It was open but mostly empty, just a few students who were trying to study for the last exams before the summer holidays. James hesitated in the door. This was a bad idea. He should forget all about Niki and just get on with his life. He had made it, got his degree, was going to marry a wonderful girl. Soon he would have a job, money of his own and a flat. He had everything going for him.

“James” one of the library assistants said and came up to him. “Didn’t think I’d see you here again now that you’ve graduated.”

She smiled. She was very pretty and he had slept with her on two occasions. Once here at the library, in fact. He smiled back.

“I’m not here for school work. I just wanted to check something… Is there a way I can read local papers somewhere?”

“Yes, of course. We’re actually moving our newspaper database over to a website, now that the internet is catching on. Then you’ll be able to access it from a home computer. But so far most of it is stored on these computers or on microfilm. What do you want?”

He told her the name of the local paper of his home town, and she led him to a computer screen and found the paper for him. If he had known it was that easy he would have done it years ago.

“Thanks” he said. “I’ll take it from here.”

“Sure. Just let me know if you need any help” she said with a meaning smile and a quick caress of his shoulder before she walked away.

He went back through the last few months, checking the family pages first. When he didn’t find any mention of anyone named Lauda he went back over the financial pages instead. There it was: “Nikolaus Lauda gets married.” He stared at the name. It had never occurred to him that Niki was actually Nikolaus. It sounded ridiculous. But then he looked at the picture. There was no doubt it was Niki even though it had been seven years since James saw him last. He looked better than he had as a teenager and James had a flashback to his dream when he saw him in the fancy suit. He looked at Niki’s face on the picture and felt a strong painful nostalgia. He looked happy, and James was happy for him.

He went back a bit further now that he was here. He found a few more mentions of Niki. The project Jack had mentioned, a few press statements mentioning Niki’s part in something or other, an interview when he took up position as junior manager. Sometimes there were pictures. James lingered over them, helplessly transported back to those short months when he was 16 and so very much in love. What had happened if they had stayed in touch. Would they still be together? He had considered it ridiculous, their relationship just a case of puppy love that would inevitably have run its course and ended by itself if their parents hadn’t intervened. But now that he saw the photos he wasn’t so sure.

He tore himself away from the computer and left. He had to go find Suzy before she came to his room and found the girls in his bed. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

It was dark outside when he woke up, and when he turned the alarm off he could hear rain patter on the windows. He tried to find some motivation for getting up, anything that made it feel worthwhile, but came up empty. He listened to the silence of the empty flat and thought about how places you've just moved into have a certain kind of silence. The silence of furniture in the wrong places, boxes waiting to be unpacked and curtainless windows all waiting, judging you.

He told himself to stop being ridiculous and forced himself out of bed. If he didn't get up now he would be late for work again. He was new and needed to make a good impression. He decided that he would start going to bed earlier, but knew he wouldn't, and walked to the kitchen to make coffee. 

He didn't exactly miss Suzy. They had argued so much lately it was more of a relief when she left him. He completely deserved it, he'd been a shit husband. But he did miss her, in some ways. When she was happy she was wonderful, a source of light in the darkness. And he missed having someone. Perhaps he should get a dog.

When he had dressed and shaved and the coffee was ready he sat down by the kitchen table, lit a cigarette and opened the paper. A while back he had taken up a subscription to his home town local paper. He told himself it was nice to have some small town news as an antidote to all the shit that went on in the city, but he was always vaguely disappointed whenever he finished it and didn't see a mention of Niki.

This time he only had time to glance at the front page before he froze, coffee cup in one hand, cigarette dangling from his mouth. Then he dropped both, and jumped off the chair when the hot coffee spilled on his lap. The cigarette fell onto the floor and went out with a sizzle when it landed in a pool of coffee.

"Fuck!" He yelled, his voice sounding strange and too loud in the empty flat.

He looked at the paper again and forgot about his wet jeans and aching thighs.

_Lauda Jr badly injured in plane crash_

There was a big picture of what was left of a small plane, smoldering in burnt fragments on a plain somewhere. James felt his stomach go cold and his heart seize up. He opened the paper with shaking hands, still standing up, ignoring the coffee that was dripping from the bottom of the page.

There was a whole spread dedicated to the article, with a picture of Niki. James recognized it, it was a publicity photo from Lauda Industries and was commonly used whenever he was mentioned. It was a head shot of Niki looking into the camera with an awkward smile, his overbite making him look vaguely rat-like. He didn’t seem to enjoy being photographed, and the picture always made James laugh. But not this time.  

The article mentioned Niki's well known passion for flying, which had resulted in some new investments for Lauda Industried into the aviation industries, and now might prove to be the end of him. Apparently he had crashed his little Cessna, for reasons yet unknown, and had to be flown to hospital for specialist intensive care. He was in a coma and the doctors were not optimistic about his chances for survival.

James felt all strength go out of him. He put the paper down and sank down onto his chair. He hadn't seen Niki in 8 years but reading about him in the paper now and then had felt comforting somehow, as if there was still a chance. A chance of what, he didn’t know. But it was reassuring to know he existed in the world and lived his life. If he died... 

He finally noticed that he was sitting in a puddle of coffee and that his wet jeans had gone cold. He got up, pulled his jeans off and inspected the damage. The skin on his thighs was red but it would be all right. He put the jeans in the laundry basket and started to mop up the coffee. The he took the rest of his clothes off and went in the shower. When he stood there in the shower he started to cry. Niki was dying, possibly already dead. He thought about their time together, 16 year old Niki driving his illegal car, kissing him, pressing that slender little body towards him. He thought about Niki’s voice, the stubborn look on his face whenever he insisted on something – which he did often – his dry sense of humor and his buck toothed smile, and it felt like a deep dark pit of sadness and pain he had been previously unaware of suddenly opened up.

How could he have let them drift apart? So many years without even a phone call. He suddenly remembered how he had proposed to Niki after only knowing him a day, and through the haze of embarrassment at his naive 16 year old self he wondered how life had been if they really had run off and gotten married. Here he was, newly divorced and crying in the shower in an empty flat while Niki was fighting for his life in hospital. If they had stayed together, what would life be like now? Where would they be?

He finally got himself together, dried himself off and put clean clothes on. He was terribly late for work now, but he would tell his boss the truth; that a dear friend was seriously injured and he'd needed a moment. 

 

He spent most of the day in an anxious mess. His patients noticed. They bit him, peed on him, got restless and nervous. The owners squirmed or frowned but no one said anything. The receptionist, a lovely nurse called Carol who he was planning to sleep with as soon as an opportunity presented itself, asked him if he was all right but he shrugged it off.

That night he couldn't sleep and he dreaded getting up the next morning to find that Niki had died. What would he do then? If the world felt empty and pointless now, what would it be like without Niki in it? Finally he got up and opened a bottle of whiskey. He never drank alone, but this time he couldn't see any other solution. It put him to sleep eventually but he woke up exhausted and hung-over when the alarm went off.

The local paper wasn't due again for another week, so on his way to work he bought a financial paper and found a small notice about Niki's condition. He was alive but still critical and James spent another dreadful day of worrying. By the end of the work day he had come to a decision. He asked his boss for a day off to visit his sick friend, and early the next morning he rented a car and drove to the city where Niki was hospitalized. If this was the last chance to see him he wasn't going to miss it.

 

He arrived mid-afternoon and went to the hospital reception on shaky legs.

"I'm here to see a friend" he told the receptionist. "Niki Lauda. Sorry, Nikolaus"

It felt strange. He'd never used Niki's full name before. Hadn't talked to anyone about him at all for years. 

"Are you family?"

"No. Like I said. A friend."

"I'm sorry, only family is allowed."

"Please! I drove all day to see him. We're old friends, I just want to know how he is. I've been worried sick since I heard."

She looked at him thoughtfully.

"Are you with the press?" She asked.

"What? No!"

"They've been trying everything to get in. It's horribly tasteless. They're desperate for a photo of a poor wounded man, no regard for his family."

"I'm not with the press! Look, I'm not carrying a bag. Nowhere to hide a camera or a notebook."

But it was useless. She wouldn't budge. He paced around the reception area for a while not knowing what to do. He bought candy from a vending machine, went out to smoke and then came back inside. He was just about to give up and drive back home when he saw someone who looked familiar. He realized he had seen her picture in the paper.

Niki's wife.

He just stood there and looked at her at first, while she made a phone call and bought coffee from the machine. She wasn't just pretty, she was absolutely stunning. How on earth had that weirdo managed to not only meet but marry such an amazing woman? Then he realized she had turned to go back to the ward, and hurried after her.

"Mrs Lauda?"

She turned around and looked at him. She looked so sad and tired it broke his heart.

"No press please" she said.

"I'm not with the press! I'm an old friend of Niki's. From high school. My name is James Hunt, though I'm sure he's never mentioned me."

Her expression changed from guarded weariness to delight.

"He has!" She said. "The boy who got him kicked out of school?"

James laughed with surprise.

"That would be me" he said. "He's really talked about me?"

She gave him a warm smile.

"A few times" she said. "You must have meant a lot to him, he never talks about other friends."

James' heart broke all over again. 

"He's meant a lot to me too. How is he?"

She looked around and motioned to a sofa by the far wall. He sat down with her.

"The doctors told me on the evening of his accident that he would die, but it's been two days and he hasn't. They're a little more optimistic now, but he's badly burned."

"I'm so sorry."

She nodded.

"I don't know what to do" she said. "I sit next to him and talk, hoping he'll hear me. I've even read my books to him, he hates books"

She laughed but there was an edge of hysteria to it. 

"It's either that or go crazy waiting for something to happen" she said. "And his parents... They're creepy. I never know what to say to them."

"They're here?" James asked.

"Yeah, they're with him now."

She looked at him.

"I wish I could let you see him now that you came all this way, but it's family only. But maybe you wouldn't want to. He looks pretty bad."

"Well I should probably go. I'm glad I got to talk to you."

"If you give me your number I can call when...when there's any change."

"Would you? I would really appreciate that."

They exchanged numbers and he thanked her and left. He drove home through the night feeling lost and alone.


	11. Chapter 11

He arrived home late at night feeling exhausted but also somehow stabilized. He had spent much of the trip thinking about Niki and Marlene and himself, going over memories from his life, Niki but also his failed marriage. His soul searching hadn't reached any conclusions, disappointingly enough, but he felt more balanced as if he had finally caught up with himself.

The next morning he dragged himself to work, only slightly late, and even though he still worried about Niki he felt better. Marlene would call if there was anything he needed to know, and if she didn't he had their number and could call her. 

When he arrived home that evening he had a message on his answering machine. Worry turned to painful anxiety and he hesitated before pressing the button to play the message.

"Hi James, it's Marlene Lauda. I'm calling to tell you that Niki woke up this morning. The doctors are very hopeful and say he's over the worst part. He should be okay, with time. I'm glad you came to see him and I hope you'll stay in touch. I'm sure he'll love to see you once he's better. Take care. Bye."

She sounded tired but happy and James felt the tension of the last few days drain out of him. He decided this needed to be celebrated. During his long drive home he had felt sorry for himself for not having someone like Marlene in his life. He generously admitted to himself that he was jealous of the love and dedication he had seen in her. But now he reminded himself that he was not in fact alone. He had friends, and tomorrow after work he would go to the animal shelter and pick out a puppy. Enough of loneliness and self-pity. Suzy had left for good reason, that chapter of his life was over and it was time to start a new one.

He called Ronnie to ask if he wanted to go out to eat and maybe have a drink. Ronnie allowed himself to be persuaded and brought his girlfriend and one of her friends, a lovely brunette named Sarah. After dinner they went to a pub for drinks, and then Sarah came home with him. The next morning they decided they would meet after work and go to the animal shelter together. 

 

It was three months before Niki called. James had meant to call many times but had never gotten around to it. He didn't want to intrude on Niki's convalescence, and when the papers reported that he was back at work (in record time, the stubborn little bastard) he felt even less like showing up in his life uninvited. 

The pictures in the papers of post-accident Niki might have influenced his inability to pick up the phone, but he wouldn't have liked to admit it. He had spent a few agonizing days looking at the pictures, both in his morning paper and online at his work computer, of a thin, pale Niki with bandages on his head. It barely looked like him at all and James felt a strange sadness that his high school love would never again look as cute as he had. He felt ridiculous for it, but it couldn't be helped.

He had just moved in with Sarah when the phone rang one evening and he went to pick it up while trying to make his puppy, a German shepherd with enormous ears, stay quiet.

"James" he said.

"Hi, it's Niki. Remember me?"

James forgot about the dog yapping at his feet. It felt like his heart stopped. The sound of Niki's voice brought him back in time and made him feel disoriented.

"Of course" he said. "Hi."

He was surprised by how happy he felt.

"Marlene told me you came to the hospital" Niki said.

"Yeah, well... "

Suddenly he couldn’t explain why he had done that. When he had Niki on the phone, alive and well, it seemed like a strange and overly dramatic thing to do.

"I wanted to thank you" Niki said, sounding awkward and uncomfortable. "It helped, knowing you care, after all this time. Marlene really appreciated it too."

"Of course I care. You were the..." He was going to say 'the love of my life' but it sounded so silly. "We were so close once" he said instead. "That will always be special."

"Yeah."

"So, how are you? I saw you on the news. Seems like you made quite a storm coming back to work still in bandages."

Niki laughed and James heart ached when it dawned on him how long it had been since he last heard that. 

"I don't give a shit what people think and I certainly won't stay in bed when I'm fit to work just because the board or the press thinks I should."

"Still strong-headed" James said and smiled. "I'm glad to hear time hasn't changed you."

Niki scoffed.

"I'd like to see it try" he said. "How about you? Did you become a doctor?"

"Almost. I'm a vet. I work at a pet clinic."

Niki laughed again.

"That's perfect" he said. "I can picture you neutering dogs and de-worming cats all day."

"Yeah, that's me. And don't forget getting puked and pissed on! Yesterday a guinea pig bit me."

"I’m sure you deserved it."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence followed. James tried to think of something to say, something safe and not too emotional. This conversation should be an easy re-establishing of contact between old friends but it felt like an emotional minefield where grief and regret lurked behind every corner.

"So are you going to keep flying?" He asked.

"Yes, of course."

"You're not scared?"

"No" Niki said, but he said it half a second too late and James had a flashback to what his face had looked like when he insisted on something but James thought he might be lying.

It made that emotional minefield feel even more threatening. He looked around for an excuse to end the conversation and noticed his dog, still trying to get his attention.

"I'm glad you called but I think my puppy will make a mess on the floor if I don't take him out."

"Yeah I can hear it" Niki said. "Okay, take care. Give me a call if you're in the neighborhood, I'll take you flying."

"I will!"

He hung up, feeling raw and drained. Sarah poked her head out of the bedroom.

"Who was that?" She asked.

"Just an old friend from school. I'm gonna take the dog out."

She looked like she wanted to say something but then she didn't.


	12. Chapter 12

It was easier the second time, he thought as he walked around the bottom floor of his house with his youngest son in a harness on his chest. His dog, Oscar, had walked with him at first but was now lying on the floor and looked asleep. The first baby had been so overwhelming, this intensely alive and unbelievably helpless little thing that took up so much space in their lives. He had been so afraid he would fuck it up. He still was, but Tom was almost three years old now and seemed surprisingly normal and happy. 

His baby brother Freddie was almost asleep in the harness, rocked by James' movements into a calm that his aching stomach couldn't reach, but as soon as James stopped walking he woke up and carried on screaming. James had developed a route that he walked through the house, round and round through the kitchen, hallway and living room. He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights, and the house looked strange in its nightly shades of black and grey. He had heard other parents describe the nightly world inhabited by parents and their restless infants and had always thought he already knew the night like a friend from his love of partying. But only when Tom was born did he truly understand. This was a world of its own, these lonely nights, walking and walking, torn between the need to sleep and the need to protect and comfort his kid. 

"There you go" he mumbled when Freddie's head slumped against his chest. "Sleep."

He kissed the baby's head and felt the almost intoxicating smell of it. He didn't dare to try and put him down just yet, but he took the risk of sitting down in the sofa. The latest issue of his home town paper was lying in the sofa, half torn apart from when Tom had played there earlier. He glanced at it and could just make out the headline in the dark: Lauda Industries sold when CEO goes into aviation! The headline yelled. Niki had taken over as CEO about a year ago and now to everybody's surprise he had swapped it for an airline. James felt a wave of warmth at the thought of Niki going against everything and everyone. There was something so endearing about that. But when the warmth faded it left a bleak heavy feeling in its wake. 

What was he doing still keeping track of Niki after all these years? Here he was, a grown man of 30, wife and two kids, still keeping an eye on his high school sweetheart. It was pathetic. He doubted Niki ever thought about him. They hadn't talked again after that one time Niki called him. What would they talk about? What could they possibly have in common? 

James got up off the sofa again and threw the paper in the recycling bin in the kitchen. He would cancel his subscription first thing tomorrow. He stood in the kitchen not knowing what to do. He longed for a drink but there was no booze in the house after Sarah cleaned out their cabinets in an attempt to make James "look after his health better". How nice it would be to just put the baby down with Sarah and leave before he started screaming again. He wanted to go somewhere with people and loud music and get drunk out of his mind. But even if anything was still open, which might be hard to find, he couldn't. His and Sarah's marriage was already starting to crack, he didn't need to make it worse. 

Freddie started to squirm in the harness, still asleep but making little whimpering noises that James recognized as the warm-up to crying. He sighed and went to get his coat, a baby blanket and Freddie's hat. If he was going to spend the night walking he might as well do it outside. Oscar woke up when he heard James take his coat down, and came up to him, tail waving.

“Weird time for a walk, huh?” James said to the dog and slipped his collar on. “I know. But that’s life. Weird and exhausting.”

 


	13. Chapter 13

He moved closer to the girl, gently pushed her against the wall and kissed her. She tasted like beer and something sweet and giggled at first but then she pressed her hips against him and kissed back hungrily. He ran his hands over her belly and lower back, exposed by the short top she was wearing.

“Let’s find a room” he said in her ear, smiling.

She looked around, a mischievous smile on her lips that turned him on even more. They were in a house belonging to a friend of Ronnie’s. The house was huge and full to bursting of food, music and drunk happy people. James had had a number of drinks and a few beers as well as a hit of cocaine or two and was feeling absolutely fantastic.

“There must be an empty bedroom somewhere” he said, took her hand and walked down a corridor. She giggled and followed him.

The first room they tried offered a spectacular view of none other than Ronnie’s white ass bouncing up and down on top of a girl James didn’t know. Ronnie was also quite recently divorced, and was finally starting to enjoy life again. Good for him.

“Let’s try another one” James said, trying not to laugh too loud, and closed the door again. Ronnie hadn’t even heard them open it.

The second door they tried had three people going at it. James knew neither of them, but his girl waved at someone before they closed the door again. The third door was better. A small bedroom, a well made bed, and no occupants. James closed the door behind them, pulled his t-shirt off and turned to the girl. She smiled and slipped out of her top with the most wonderful grace.   

"I think your phone is ringing" she said.

"Oh"

He stuck his hand in his pocket. It was Sarah's number. He suddenly felt almost sober. Why would Sarah call in the middle of the night? Had something happened to the kids?

"I'm sorry, I have to take this" he said to the girl and picked up the phone. "Sarah, what's wrong?"

The girl sat down on the bed. He saw her roll her eyes when she heard him say a woman's name.

"Finally" Sarah said. "I've been trying to reach you forever."

"Why? What happened? Is it the kids?"

"Fuck this" the girl said. "I'll go get another drink while you sort out your family problems. Find me when you’re done.”

She left before he had time to stop her.

"The kids are fine. Your mother is trying to reach you. She called me when she couldn't get you. She really needs to talk to you" Sarah said.

"My mother? I'll call her in the morning."

"You should call her now."

He glanced at his watch.

"It's 3 am!"

"James" Sarah said and her voice was soft. "You have to call her now. Your father is dead."

Time stopped and everything around him, the pulsating music filling the house, his own hot body so full of life and sex and happiness. Everything became still.

"He's dead?" He asked. "How?"

"A heart attack. I'm sorry."

"My God."

"James? Are you okay? Where are you?"

He tried to grasp what she had said. Dead? How could he be dead? 

"James" Sarah repeated. "Can you get here? I think you should come here. Are you with someone?"

He looked around for the girl, but she was gone.

"No" he said. "I'm alone. Or, Ronnie is here, but he’s… busy."

"Get a taxi and come here. You shouldn't be alone."

"I couldn't.... It's the middle of the night. You should sleep."

"Just because we're divorced doesn't mean I don't care, you know that. Come here, please. You're in shock."

"Okay. Thank you."

He hung up and slowly made his way through the house. Some people tried to talk to him but he didn’t hear them. He tried to remember the number to the taxi service he usually used, felt a moment of panic when he couldn’t, and then felt like an idiot because of course he had it in his phone.

The taxi dropped him off at Sarah’s flat. She must have looked out the window for it, because she opened the door before he had time to knock. She was wearing a nightgown and a bathrobe, the fluffy white one he had gotten her last Christmas, and she looked tired and worried.

“Come in” she said, her voice low. “The kids are asleep, so try to keep it down. Are you drunk?”

He nodded, though he didn’t feel drunk anymore. He didn’t know what he felt. He followed her inside. She glanced at his bare feet but didn’t say anything about them.

“Do you want some tea?” she asked.

“Yeah” he said, but he didn’t. It just felt like tea was the appropriate thing to have in this situation.

“I’ll put the kettle on. Sit down.”

He sat down in the kitchen, and she handed him a glass of water before she started on the tea. He drank it and when it was empty he didn’t know what to do. The flat was so quiet.

“Can I see the kids?” he asked. “I won’t wake them.”

She glanced at him.

“Okay” she said.

He went over to their rooms. Freddie’s room was closest so he started there. He opened the door as carefully as he could and looked inside. A small night light provided enough light to see the sleeping child in the bed, arms and legs spread out as if he’d been thrown there. His face so peaceful with the round cheeks, soft blond hair and long eyelashes. James longed to go up to him and smell his hair, but that might wake hi. He stood there and looked for a while and found that he felt better. What did all the terrible things in the world matter when there were people like Freddie in it? My kid, he thought. My son. Tom was five and Freddie three by now, but he still hadn’t gotten over the shock of becoming a parent. It still felt surreal, like a magical gift that had been given to him by accident.

He closed the door and repeated the ritual in Tom’s room before going back to the kitchen. Sarah was putting cups and biscuits on a tray.

“Let’s sit in the living room” she said.

 


	14. Chapter 14

It was strange to come home. He had been back a few times since he moved away to go to university, for big birthdays and other family affairs, but one after one his siblings had moved away too and there was less and less incentive to return.

Coming back and knowing his father wasn't there made him see the place with new eyes. Had it always been this small? There was practically nothing there. He drove his rental car past the high school where he had met Niki and saw that it had closed and looked in need of repair. He tried to remember how long ago it had been since he was last there, and his mind reeled in horror at how much time has passed. He was 35, father of two and divorced twice. How did that happen? That wasn't how he thought his life would be like when he lived here.

He parked outside his parents' house and knocked on the door. His mother opened, looking smaller and much older since the last time he saw her. It gave him a small shock to see her and he tried not to think about how it was just her now, dad would never be here again. 

"James, how good to see you" she said and hugged him. "You look good."

"You too" he lied, and she made a dismissive gesture.

"Come in. The others are here. Are Sarah and the kids coming?"

"No."

"Too bad, I haven't seen them in ages."

"Mum, we're divorced."

"I know, but you said you're still friends."

"Not that much."

Sarah had asked if he wanted her along, but he had said no. This seemed difficult enough without having his ex wife and two kids along.

He followed his mother inside. The house seemed to have grown smaller too, especially now with his siblings and their families crowding it. They all got up and took turns hugging him. When did everyone grow up? Even his youngest brother was married and had a baby now. 

The first hour or so was just catch-up; how was everyone, how were the kids doing in school, was work still busy, who had moved or bought a new car etc. it felt oddly comforting to be with his family again. The divorce had left him feeling unsettled and the death of his father certainly hadn't helped. Being around all these people who had shared his childhood made him feel grounded and accepted.

"Do you still work as animal inspector?" Sally asked.

"No, I couldn't stand it. Arguing with people about why they have to take care of their animals and taking starving cats away from crying old ladies..." He shuddered. "Not my thing. I'm at a dog clinic now. It's really nice."

"I told you Health and Safety was the wrong job for you" Peter said. "You're too kind."

"Yeah I guess so" James said and laughed.

"They're looking for a new vet here in town" mum said and put a plate of cookies on the table.

Sally got up to help her with the tea.

"Thanks, but I don't think I'd be a good country vet" James said. "I've no experience of cows and sheep."

"You could learn. You were always a smart boy."

Everyone laughed.

"Well he is!" Mum said and somehow it was heartbreaking to hear her arguing her case - even a silly one - without dad to support her. "I always thought you'd be a doctor. You could have been."

"My grades weren't good enough."

"Despite that fancy boarding school they sent you to" Tim said and laughed. "What a disappointment. Mum, you should request a refund on the school fees."

"Why did you send him to boarding school?" Peter asked. "None of us others went."

James glanced at his mother. She met his eyes but he couldn't read her look.

"He needed to get away from some bad company" she said.

He looked at her again and suddenly felt furious. He knew he should let it pass, he was here for his father's funeral, not to argue about the past. But he couldn't stop himself.

"I was in a relationship with another boy" he said. "Mum and dad freaked."

A stunned silence filled the kitchen when everyone stared at him. 

"Oh my God" Sally said.

"What's the big deal?" Tim said. "Everyone's gay nowadays."

"Tim!" Mum said, outraged.

"What? I have friends who are gay."

"James is not gay! He was confused. We got him away from the boy and he...got over it."

"I still think you're over-reacting" Tim said. "So what if he had been gay?"

Peter burst out laughing.

"James? Gay? That is too funny."

"You have to remember this was 20 years ago" Sally said. "Things were different, and this is a small town."

"You mean a backwards shithole" Peter added helpfully.

"Peter!" Mum said.

"Imagine what would have happened to dad's career if it got out that his son was having an affair with another boy! It would have been the end of us."

Several of the others opened their mouths to debate this. James threw up his hands.

"Enough!" He Said. "I'm going out for a smoke, when I come back this discussion needs to be over."

 

He left before they could stop him or drag him back into the conversation. Out on the street, with a cigarette in his mouth, he wondered if he had overreacted. He hadn't thought about that stuff in years, why should it matter now? He looked around. It was a nice summer day and the neighborhood was an explosion of colorful flowers and bright green lawns. The funeral service wasn't until tomorrow and he needed a break from his siblings so he decided to go for a walk. He wished he had brought his dog.

He walked towards Main Street and looked at the old houses where his childhood friends had lived. Hardly any of them still lived here. There was no university and no jobs so if you wanted to make anything of yourself you had to leave and stay away. The exception being Lauda Industries. They had been founded here generations ago and still had its headquarters here. He walked past a shiny new playground that had been a hot dog stand when he was growing up and felt a vague sadness for everything that was gone.

He glanced up to avoid colliding with someone, and stopped dead when he saw who it was. Niki was older and thinner, his hair longer and curlier and the burn scars that were partly hidden under a baseball cap had changed his appearance, but James recognized him instantly.

They stared at each other in shock. It felt unreal to see him here, standing on the street, the adult version of Niki that he had only seen in photos. He was smaller than James would have thought, still slender and almost a head shorter than James.

"James" Niki said and looked at James as if he'd seen a ghost.

His voice was faint with shock, his eyes wide, the corner of the right eye scarred from the accident. James had forgotten how blue they were. He tried to find his footing and think of something to say.

"You look awful" he said with a teasing grin.

Niki smiled, and the smile was so him, there was so much of teenage Niki in that smile it made James heart ache.

"And you look old" he said. "The years must have been hard on you."

"I know. Actually you don't look so bad. Those scars suit you."

"Thanks. They match my dark soul."

James laughed. Niki grinned.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I'm here for my father's funeral."

"Oh" the grin on Niki's face died. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

Uncomfortable silence. Niki's eyes darted around, landed on James and then looked away again. James looked at Niki's face, his scars, tried to take in that this was the boy he had wanted to run away and marry 20 years ago. He still looked good in an odd kind of way.

"Do you still live in town?" James asked.

"No. I'm here to visit my parents."

"How are they?"

"Fine."

He thought about their house and wanted to ask if Niki remembered that last night in his room, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. 

"Do you still have the summer house?" He asked instead.

Niki smiled but there was something wistful about it. He met James' eyes and nodded.

"It's mine now" he said. "I changed the decorating. Or rather Marlene did."

"I'd love to see it. Old times."

They looked at each other and it felt like something reached out between them and connected. Clicked into place effortlessly as if it had been waiting for this moment for 20 years.

"Let's go" Niki said. "If you're free?"

"Now?"

"Why not?"

"Are you still driving your dad's car?"

Niki laughed, and some of the tension lifted.

"No, I've got my own now. Several cars actually."

They started walking down the street.

"I can't believe you're a business man" James said. "You don't look the part."

Niki scoffed.

"As if financial success depends on what you're wearing. Or if you have eyebrows or two ears. It's just a load of bullshit."

James grinned and looked at Niki's scars again. He remembered how scared he had been when he heard about Niki's accident. 

"What did your dad think when you sold the company?"

Niki smiled.

"I told him on the phone, so I could hang up when he started to scream."

"Smart."

"I told him we won't talk about it, and we don't. I think he feels that I've betrayed him."

"Do you agree?"

"Of course not. It was my company. I can't live my life to please him."

They fell silent for a few seconds and then looked at each other. James wondered what it would be like to kiss him.

"My car is just over here" Niki said.

 

It was a nice car. Pretty, sparkling clean, but sensible. No sports car. They got in. Sitting next to Niki in the car made James feel tense enough to burst. It was like sitting there with his teen lover while at the same time Niki was a stranger. Two worlds colliding. They drove in silence for a while.

"Mind if I smoke?" James said finally.

"Yes."

James put his cigarettes back in his pocket. More silence.

"Tell me about your life" Niki said. "Are you married? Kids? Where do you live?"

James looked out the window at the familiar landscape. They had driven here lots of times on their way to the summer house, and most of it looked the same. He tried to shake the unreal feeling of sitting here in the car with Niki. It felt like they should know each other, and in a way they did, but at the same time they didn't. 

"I recently got divorced for the 2nd time" he found himself saying. "We've managed to stay friends for the kids. Tom is five and Freddie is three."

"The same ages as my kids" Niki said. "Lukas and Mathias."

"Really?"

He found it moving for some reason that Niki had children the same age as his. He wondered what kind of father Niki was.

"I work at a dog clinic" he finished.

"You don't sound happy."

James was a bit taken aback by that but found it surprisingly easy to be open with Niki.

"I guess I'm not" he said. "I don't know. Sometimes I am, but other times...there's this darkness that I can't shake. I drink too much."

He laughed and glanced at Niki.

"Why am I telling you this?" He asked. 

Niki smiled a little and shrugged. 

"Are you happy?" James asked.

"Most of the time" Niki said. "As long as people leave me alone to do what I want."

"And do they?"

Niki chuckled.

"No" he said. "Everyone, from my colleagues to my staff and suppliers...are idiots. It's so tiring."

James laughed.

"I remember this" he said. "Your self-esteem and your ambition. God, I've missed you."

 

He looked at Niki. Niki kept his eyes on the road, but he swallowed, breathed a little faster, looked upset. 

"You never called back" he said.

"Did you want me to?" James asked breathlessly.

"Maybe. Why not? Yes."

"I'm sorry. I didn't... I don't know why I didn't."


	15. Chapter 15

They arrived at the summer house and stepped out of the car. It was a powerful feeling to see it again. He remembered the first time they were here, when he was so in love and it was all so new. He felt like crying.

It looked different inside. For one thing, it was summer and it had a lived in feeling unlike the closed stillness of a summer house in winter. And they had changed the design. There was more color, more wood, less white. Hastily tidied toys lay in boxes. James smiled when he recognized all the little signs that children spent time here. 

"Where's your family?" James asked.

"They're at home."

James turned to look at Niki. They stood just one step away from each other in the kitchen and the air seemed to stand still, everything holding its breath. James felt something inside him reach its breaking point and give way. He stepped up to Niki and kissed him and put his arms around him in a hard, desperate hug. Niki seemed to have been waiting for just that, because he responded immediately. They stood locked together like that for what felt like a long time, impossible to let go, kissing hungrily and clutching to each other with hard urgency. The smell and feel of Niki’s body was familiar and different at the same time.

When they finally let go he felt awkward, confused, disoriented. He looked at Niki. Niki’s eyes were shiny and his cheeks red. 

"The bedroom" he said.

James nodded and followed him to the same bedroom where they had done their youthful exploring. It had changed too. The bed was still there but someone had re-arranged the furniture and added paintings and personal effects that hadn't been there before. There was a teddy bear in the armchair and two toy cars on the floor.

They closed the distance between them in another embrace and long kiss. James was shocked by how right it felt to be here, in Niki's arms, his mouth on his. Just like it had been when they were teenagers. It came back to him now, not as memory but as something re-awakened. It scared him but he had no time to worry about it now. He fumbled with Niki's clothes, tried to get his jeans unbuttoned and his sweater off.

"Why do you wear a sweater, it's summer" he complained and pulled at it.

"Just..." Niki let go of him so he could pull his sweater off and unbutton his shirt.

James pulled his own t-shirt off and they wrestled out of their jeans and got onto the bed.

The sex had something desperate about it, but beautiful too. James was amazed by how much he wanted it, and by how blind he had been to not see it until now. He had to push away a deep, aching regret for all the years they had been apart. He had told himself it was only natural for them to drift apart, but it wasn’t. _This_ – having Niki’s hands all over him and his hot skin against his and his dick inside him – _this_ was natural.

They lay next to each other in silence when it was over.

“Have you been with other guys?” James asked. “Since… us?”

Niki was quiet for a few seconds and James thought he might not answer.

“Yes” he said finally. “But only one. A guy I worked with, Alain, but it didn’t last. How about you?”

“Yeah, now and then. No relationship, just sex.”

Silence again. James felt overwhelmed, happy and sad at the same time. He wanted so much all of a sudden – wanted more, wanted those lost years to come back, wanted the future to be different. It was frightening and painful.

“I’ve missed you so much” he said. “I thought I was over you, but I don’t think I ever have been. I still love you.”

Niki didn’t look at him. He looked straight ahead and his eyes were shiny. Then he suddenly got up.

“I can’t do this” he said. “I’m married.”

He started to put his clothes on. James sat up and looked at him.

“Niki, come on. Don’t go.”

“This was crazy. I’m an idiot.”

He pulled at his clothes to get them on and he looked like he might cry. James got out of bed and tried to put his arms around him, but Niki shook him off.

“It was good to see you, but you have to go” he said. “Put your clothes on. I’ll drive you back to town.”

James wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. He started to put his clothes on.

They drove back to town in silence. James tried to think of something to say, anything, that could convince Niki to turn around and go back to the summer house. He would give anything to go back to those moments of happiness and not have to deal with reality and all its complications. But what could he say? Leave your wife and come with me? They didn’t even know each other.

“You can stop here” he said finally when they were a few blocks from his mother’s house.

Niki pulled over. He looked straight ahead, not saying anything, but James could see how tense he was.

“Is this it?” James asked.

“I don’t know.”

“After what we just had….”

“I’m married. What do you expect me to do? Have you as my mistress? Or leave her and come live with you?”

“I don’t know. I just… we can’t just… go.”

“I know. But what are the options?”

James fought to stay in control of his voice.

“Can I at least see you again?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Tell me you love me. Please. I love you.”

“You don’t know me” Niki said, but his voice was breaking and he stubbornly avoided looking at James. His hands gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white.

“Well fuck you and your cowardice” James said, opened the door and stepped outside. “Go back to your wife, see if I care.”

He slammed the door and started walking down the street. He was hoping Niki would call him back, but instead he heard the engine roar and then Niki’s car shot past him and disappeared around the corner. James stood there for a moment, feeling completely empty. What was the point of anything now? He felt like he wanted to lie down on the side walk and die. But instead he walked back to his mother’s house.

“Where have you been? We were getting worried?” Sally asked when he came inside.

“I ran into an old friend.”

“We saved you some dinner” mum said and opened the fridge.

“Thanks.”

She heated it for him and he ate it at the kitchen table while Peter’s kids told him in detail of their favorite cartoon. He made an effort to listen to them and not think about Niki. Niki was gone. He could be dead for all that mattered. It would have been better if he was.

After he had eaten he went to look for the rest of his siblings and found them in the living room watching a game show.

“Jesus Christ” he said and their heads turned to look at him. “Are you all prematurely retired? Could you get any more boring?”

“Well excuse us” Tim said. “Where’s the party we’re all missing?”

“We won’t know unless we go looking for it. I’m going out to see if there’s still any life in this town. Who wants to come?”

In the end only Tim did. The others had children to put to bed or they were “tired” or “not into that sort of thing anymore, you know James, you have to grow up sometime.” He ignored them, got a taxi and took Tim downtown to find vast amounts of alcohol, loud music and anything else to make him feel a little bit better.


	16. Chapter 16

Someone nudged him.

"What?" He mumbled, still mostly asleep.

"Your phone is ringing" a man's voice mumbled next to him. "Make it stop."

His heart skipped a beat. Niki? But before he'd even turned his head to the man lying next to him his head started to clear and the memories of the previous night came back in flashes of a dark nightclub, drinking heavily and stumbling back to this stranger's flat for clumsy, desperate sex. It hadn't been very good and he had fallen asleep disappointed.

He fumbled for his phone in his jeans that were on the floor by the bed, and almost fell off the bed before he got hold of it. It stopped ringing just as he was about to answer it, but he had time to see his parents' number. No, his mother's number.

His heart froze. The funeral! He looked at the clock by the bed. The funeral was at eleven and it was 10.30 now.

"Fuck!" He yelled and scrambled out of bed. 

He got his foot tangled in the sheet and fell, crashing to the floor in painful humiliation. He lay there for a moment feeling like he might throw up from the sudden movement, the fall and his pounding head. But the sensation passed enough for him to be able to get to his feet without puking.

"What's the rush?" the man in the bed asked while James got dressed.

James searched his memory for the man's name but found that he didn't care enough.

"Got somewhere to be" he said. "Take care."

He pressed a kiss to the man's lips, smiled at him and then left. On his way down the stairs his phone rang again.

"Yeah, it’s James"

"James!" Peter's voice said. "Finally! Where the fuck are you? We're about to leave for the church!"

"I'll be right there! I'll meet you at the church!"

"Where are you? Where have you been? It's dad's funeral!"

James started to explain and apologize but his phone made a sad little series of beeps and then it died. He stared at it, pushed the on-button several times, and then remembered that he hadn't charged it since the night before. Fuck!

 

Out on the street he tried to get his hung over brain to work. He wasn't even sure where he was. He looked up and down the street and started walking in the hope that he would recognize something. He'd spent most of his youth complaining that his home town was too small; wouldn't it be ironic if he got lost now? But so much had changed. He vaguely remembered old wooden houses lining this street and a messy garage at the intersection, but everything was replaced by shiny new buildings with three floors like the one he had just come out of.

 

He turned around the corner and couldn't believe his luck when he saw a taxi. He waved and shouted though it felt like his head would crack. The taxi slowed down and stopped. He got in and gave the driver his mother's address.

It was a relief to sit in the taxi and rest his pounding head and queasy stomach. He didn't even care where he was, as long as he got to be still for a while. Too soon the taxi stopped outside his mother’s house.

"Can you wait for me?" he asked the driver as he climbed out. "I'm just going to get changed, then I'm headed for _ Church for a funeral."

The driver looked him over with a hint of an amused smile, as if thinking that a change of clothes might be a good idea. James looked down at his clothes. He was wearing worn jeans, a stained t-shirt and no shoes. He grinned.

"Be right back" he said and walked up to the house.

It was locked. Of course it was, he had told them to go on ahead and he would meet them at the church. And he had no key. He wanted to give up, sit down on the steps and cry. It was all too much - the hangover, Niki's rejection, his father's fucking funeral... He didn't want to be here anymore, he wanted to go home to his boring flat, draw the curtains and lie in the dark hating himself. He glanced at the waiting taxi. He could do just that. Just skip it all and leave this shithole. But he would never forgive himself for missing his father's funeral. He tried to review his options. He could break into the house. It would probably work but it would take time and he risked being arrested if a nosy neighbor saw him and called the police. He could buy a new suit, but that would take too long. He looked at his watch. Five to eleven.

He shrugged to himself and went back to the taxi. 

"Just go to the church" he said and sat down in the passenger seat.

The driver nodded and started the car. James leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He could feel the nausea roll around in his stomach.

"You should probably stop" he said when it got too much.

The driver stopped right away. Maybe he had seen it coming. James opened the door, leaned out and vomited on the street. A disgusting mess of beer and last night's hamburgers. But after it was all out he felt better. He closed the door again and looked at the driver who was watching him with a thoughtful look on his face.

"Sorry" James said. "I don't think I got anything on your car."

The driver smiled. 

"No worries" he said. "You stink of beer so I was more or less prepared. I'm glad you didn't puke IN the car. You wouldn't have been the first."

James decided not to say that he had been guilty of that in plenty of other cars.

The driver opened the glove compartment and got out a bottle of water, a box of aspirin and a chocolate bar. 

"Here you go" he said. "I've got a jacket and a tie you can borrow, if you want? I keep them in the trunk for VIP drives."

"Oh my god, thank you. Bill me for this" James said and accepted the little stash. "I'll get your clothes back to you tonight."

When he got to the church, wearing the taxi driver's tie and jacket over his jeans and t shirt, he was about ten minutes late and everyone had already gone inside. James opened the door carefully and snuck inside. He found his mother and siblings in the front rows and went to sit down next to Sally. The priest gave him a disapproving look but didn't stop talking, and several of the guests turned their heads to look at him. His mother who was sitting a few seats away looked at him with such anger and despair he wanted to sink through the floor.

"What is wrong with you?" Sally whispered angrily. "Where's your suit? And are you drunk?!"

He shook his head and didn't answer. There would be enough time to pay for his sins later.


	17. Chapter 17

 

Things seemed to continue to go badly after he arrived home after the funeral. Somehow he never got around to unpacking his things after his last move and the dull empty flat was so depressing he preferred to spend as much of his time as possible away from it. He had no trouble finding willing partners, male and female, to provide him with a bed. And he would tell himself he enjoyed it, and often he did. But just as often he found himself wishing he could go home, to a place that felt like home, and just relax for a moment.

Sometimes he thought about just letting go. It was so tempting. He could go on a bender, just keep drinking until he lost consciousness, and as soon as he woke up he could continue. It would be easy. He could get hold of drugs too, they were everywhere in the clubs he frequented. He could spend the next few weeks or months in a continuous stupor until... until what? That was his problem. Doing that offered no way out of this rut he'd found himself in, it would just postpone and probably worsen it. And there was the risk that he might kill himself, and what would that do to his children? Or his dog?

So he kept himself up. Whenever the partying took too much of a toll on him he held back for a while, took up jogging, tried to eat healthy and go to bed early. It didn't last, but it kept his head above water and he got to see his kids. He tried to tell himself this would pass, his life would get better. He was just missing his father, or recovering from his and Sarah's divorce, or waiting for the right partner to make life interesting again. But part of him feared that this might be it. This was all life was ever going to be, and how on earth could he stand another 40 or 50 years of it?

 

The change finally came about two years later when he was at work one day and getting ready for his next patient. He looked at the chart, prepared by the reception. A dog, a golden retriever named Nelson. But his eyes stopped at the owner's name. Nikolaus Lauda. His heart nearly stopped too. Could it be... No, Niki didn't live here. Why would he come here with his dog? They hadn't seen each other since that night before the funeral, hadn't spoken to each other, and there was no reason why they ever would again. But it had to be him. There was only room for one Nikolaus Lauda in the world, James thought with an almost hysterical giggle. He opened the door and walked out to the waiting room, his stomach suddenly full of butterflies. He scanned the people waiting and saw him right away. A small thin man in his mid-30s, a baseball cap doing a poor job of hiding the burn scars on his head.

"Mr Lauda" he said.

Niki looked up and their eyes met. For a moment it felt like they were the only two people in the world. Then Niki got up, said something to his dog and they both followed James into the examination room. James closed the door. He bent to greet the dog. It looked nice. Well kept, friendly.

"What a beautiful dog" he said.

"Thank you" Niki said.

James straightened and looked at him. There was so much he wanted to say that nothing came out at first. Niki looked at him in silence, looking like he too wanted to speak but couldn't. The air in the room seemed to vibrate. The dog felt it too; he looked from one to the other, whining softly.

"Why are you here?" James said at last.

Niki nodded towards the dog.

"Dog needs a shot" he said.

"Nice try. Did you know I work here?"

Niki looked away, which was as good as a yes.

"I thought you didn't want to see me again." James said, his voice hard now.

"I never said that."

"It doesn't matter. You left. We had that amazing time together, and then you freaked out and left."

"What did you expect me to do? Leave my wife and go with you?"

James knew he should be reasonable, but he was so sick and tired of being reasonable.

"Yes!" he said and realized he was yelling but couldn't quite stop. "Yes! I love you! I told you! I know you felt the same, I could tell! Why _wouldn't_ you leave your wife and go with me?"

Niki looked at him and James realized there were tears in his eyes.

"Oh fuck" he said, his anger draining out of him. "I'm sorry. Of course I didn't expect you to do that. I'm just being an idiot."

Niki shook his head.

"I wanted to" he said, his voice almost a whisper. "But I loved Marlene too. I couldn't make up my mind."

"And now?"

James almost didn't dare to ask.

"She left me" Niki said with a crooked smile. "Problem solved."

James laughed.

"I'm sorry" he said. "So now what?"

Niki looked uncomfortable.  He shrugged. Looked at his dog.

"Maybe have dinner?"  he said.

"You and me?"

Niki grinned.

"And the dog" he said.

"I have a dog too."

"Perfect."

They stood there grinning at each other for several long seconds.

"OK" James said. "I'll have dinner with you."

"That's all?"

James laughed.

"Why don't we start there?" he said. He crouched next to the dog who was wagging his tail, probably relieved that at least some of the tension had gone out of the air. "Let's look at you then. Might as well do a full check now that you're here."

He examined the dog carefully, checking his teeth and gums, joints and muscles. He didn't need it, he was in excellent health, but James wanted to keep Niki in the room as long as he could so he took his time.

"How have you been?" He asked, still looking at the dog but changing his tone so Niki would know the question was for him.

"Fine" Niki said.

"Your wife leaves you and you're fine?" James said and grinned.

He had almost forgotten about Niki's absurd self-sufficiency and it made him warm inside. He prepared the shot for the dog.

"Well it was tough for a while" Niki admitted, voice low as if someone might overhear and judge him for it. "But I'm fine now. We're friends."

"I'm glad. That makes it easier."

He administered the shot. The dog barely flinched. 

"Yeah."

"Does she have someone new?"

"No. She just got fed up with me. And I cheated on her."

"Sounds like me and Sarah. Also I drank too much. Still do."

He didn't know why he said that. Trying to scare Niki away? Or prepare him?

"I don't" Niki said. "But I work too much. That was a big reason."

They looked at each other. James smiled and Niki smiled back.

"Look at us, how pathetic" he said.

Niki scoffed.

"Speak for yourself. I know what I'm doing."

"Of course you do."

He got to his feet. There was nothing more he could do with the dog and there were other patients waiting.

"Your dog is in very good health, but you knew that."

Niki gave him a big buck-toothed grin that made his stomach ache with a strange mix of nostalgia, longing and pain.

"When do you finish work?" Niki asked. "I'll pick you up."

"We close at seven."

"Then I'll be outside at seven."

Niki took his dog and left without saying goodbye. James watched the door close behind him and tried to come to terms with what he was feeling. Happy, yes, but mostly rattled. Deep down he wasn't too sure he really wanted to date Niki. It hadn't turned out very well the other times they had tried, and he wasn't sure if he could handle the emotional turmoil again. If they tried this again and it ended in another heartbreak he might have to finally drink himself to death. 

But canceling the date was not an option. He took a deep breath and went out to the waiting room to get his next patient. 

 

Despite his reluctance, the rest of the day was torment. He yearned for Niki and couldn't help fantasizing about how the date might turn out. It had to include sex. It Had To. Despite the years that had passed he still felt desire just thinking about Niki. Maybe even more than when they were young. Now he knew what he could do with another man.

When he was preparing to leave work the receptionist stuck her head in and said a call was waiting for him. He took it in his office, absent-minded since he was thinking about Niki.

"Hi it's Niki."

He felt a moment of disorientation, and then fear that Niki was calling to cancel their date.

"Couldn't wait, could you?" He joked.

"Yeah there's been a problem" Niki said, and James heart fell. "Marlene is away and I had a babysitter but Lukas is ill and the babysitter doesn't want to come."

"Oh."

James felt it all start to slip out of his hands. His heart started racing and his throat felt like it wanted to close up on him. He couldn't do this again. He tried to breathe slowly.

"You could come here..." Niki said, sounding insecure. "It won't be the same with two kids around.. But at least..."

At least I would see you, James filled in without saying anything.

"Sounds great!" He said before niki could change his mind. "We can have our hot date another time. This will be fun too. I'll bring pizza. What's your address?"

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

He stood outside Niki's door with the hot pizza carton in his hand and feeling like he might throw up. He swallowed hard and tried to get a grip of himself. He wanted to ring that doorbell and have Niki open and let him into his life again, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to do it. If they fucked this up too he couldn't imagine either of them ever finding the strength to try again. That thought brought on a heavy feeling of hopelessness. They had been failing at this their whole lives. What's to say it would work this time? Most likely it would just end in another disaster. Why even try? He looked at Oscar, who looked back at him, patiently waiting for him to make up his mind.

He turned to leave, but just then there were noises from inside like someone trying to open the door. Oscar started to wag his tail. James felt another wave of nausea, bad enough to make him look around for something to throw up in, but there was nothing, and at the last second he manage to regain control. A small boy, about 4 years old with blond curly hair, opened the door and peered curiously at him. Then he saw the pizza and his face lit up.

"Hi" James said. "I'm James. What's your name?"

The boy looked at him with big blue eyes and his likeness to Niki sent a strange feeling through James. Niki's son. How odd.

"Mathias" the kid whispered. Then suddenly looked shy and backed away from the door and then Niki was there. Seeing him was a little like getting an electric shock, and James' mouth went dry. It had been easier at work where he could hide behind his professional role and know their time together was limited.

"Hi" Niki said. "Come in."

For a moment James stood frozen in place, but then Oscar decided to accept the invitation and walked inside. Niki's dog was there to greet them and intense tail-wagging and sniffing followed. James followed him inside and Niki closed the door behind him. James couldn’t help feeling trapped when he heard the lock turn. If he hadn’t come he could still hope that one day they would meet again. This felt too final.

He pulled himself together and handed the pizza carton to Niki, then he walked into the flat and looked around. Seeing Niki's flat was like some kind of time travel. He had flashbacks to that night in Niki's room before he left for boarding school. The flat looked much like that room, only bigger and therefore less crowded. And with toys. James looked at Niki and tried for a smile, hoping it would look more natural than it felt. Niki smiled back but looked as tense as if he'd had a gun to his head. He wasn't wearing his cap but instead of looking casual it just made him look strangely naked.

James felt his smile get even more strained.

"I’ll go slice up the pizza" Niki said went to the kitchen.

James followed him awkwardly while Mathias stayed with the dogs. He watched Niki put the pizza down on the table, his movements tense and self-aware. This is ridiculous, James thought. He walked up to Niki, put his hands on his shoulders, gently turned him around and kissed him.

It felt so good, and at least some of the doubt and fear melted away. He felt warm and excited. Niki hesitated, glanced past James at his son, and then put his arms around him. They hugged hard, almost painfully, and then kissed again.

He let go of Niki and put on a cheerful smile.

"How about a drink?" He asked.

"Sure. What do you want? I have beer and whiskey."

"Let's start with a whiskey and then beer with dinner."

"Fine. But I can't get drunk. Not with the kids here. And neither should you."

"Relax" James said and slapped him on the back. "I promise not to frighten your children. Speaking of which, I thought you said there were two?"

"Lukas is sleeping."

 

They had pizza. The whiskey had calmed him a little and the beer and pizza helped. It was awkward at first and James wondered what it would have been like if they had been alone rather than chaperoned by the 4-year-old boy feeding scraps of pizza to two very eager dogs. Probably even more awkward.

After a while they managed to get a conversation going. They talked about work, kids, ex wives, now and then interrupted by Mathias asking questions or just chattering. James found him charming and funny and he lightened up the rather halting conversation. 

They finished with ice cream and Niki took a bowl to Lukas' room while James stayed with Mathias in the kitchen listening to entertaining stories about Mathias' friends, toys, favorite TV shows and whatever else popped up in his head. James almost forgot about his anxiety about this so called date, at least until it was time for Niki to put the kids to bed.

James sat on the living room sofa sipping another beer and wondering what to do with himself while Niki was with his boys. The flat was quiet and now and then he could hear the murmur of voices from whatever bedtime ritual they had. Did Niki read them bedtime stories? Sing lullabies? James tried to imagine a future where they all lived together, helping out with each other's kids whenever they were there. The mental image filled him with equal amounts of joy and terror. He wished he didn't have to think about the future, that he could just have fun in the moment, date Niki and not worry about where it might lead. A few years ago he would have done just that, but not anymore. It wasn't just because of the kids, to secure a good future for them, it was also about himself and the dark horrifying suspicion that there might not be a future for him unless he could make his life a little more tolerable. Could Niki help with that or would he just make it harder? He thought about the time they had spent together as teenagers and how happy they had been.

He heard raised voices from the bedroom and then Niki who barked something in an angry voice. James laughed to himself and thought about the countless times he'd tried to put kids to bed who didn't want to be put to bed. Insisting they weren't tired until they suddenly fell asleep from exhaustion. 

When he heard Niki come out of the bedroom he found himself feeling unpleasantly nervous, despite having helped himself to another beer. He tried to muster up his old cheerfulness and lust for adventure, but it had become so hard to find lately. 

Niki came into the living room.

"I hope you're not too bored" he said.

"I'm fine" James said and smiled. "Are they sleeping?"

"Yes. Finally."

They looked at each other in awkward silence for a moment and the Niki looked away.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked.

"Yes. You" James said and reached out a hand for him.

Niki smiled a little and sat down next to him in the sofa. They kissed. The strange sensation of holding a stranger while at the same time a very old friend made him feel unsettled and disoriented. Fucking a stranger was fun. But here there was so much history. So much and yet not enough.

"I wish we had run away and gotten married all those years ago" he said.

Niki pulled away.

"No" James said. "Don't do that. Don't you dare get cold feet again."

Niki looked at him with an irritated frown.

James sighed. He should come clear and tell Niki how much this date meant, but it was so hard. It would be so much better if Niki could just...get it. Didn't he?

"Don't be upset" he said. "I just mean... I really want us to have a chance this time. To, you know, not fuck this up again."

He smiled and after a moment so did Niki, if only a little. But he looked thoughtful and James worried.

“It’s different now” he said. “Being gay. It’s normal. If we had been young now nobody would have cared much.”

“Maybe” Niki said.

James took a deep breath.

“I want you to be on board for this” he said. “You came to me, remember? You want this as much as I do.”

Niki’s eyes flickered but then they steadied on James.

“Yes” he said. “But… Let’s just take it one day at a time. No talk about marriage. I just got divorced.”

He laughed a little but it sounded bitter.

“Okay” James said. “I promise.” He laughed “I can’t believe I’m the one trying to force a commitment. This isn’t like me.”

“Let’s just…try this. And see where it leads.”

James nodded and they kissed again. He pulled Niki closer, held him and enjoyed the feeling of Niki’s body next to his. They had both changed and grown older since they last slept with each other and he looked forward to exploring Niki’s body again and showing him all his new tricks. The feeling of impending doom left him, at least for the moment, and he felt a strong, rich sense of joy he hadn’t felt in a long time. They were finally on the same page, wanting the same thing, without other relationships holding them back. Maybe it really would work out this time.

 

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to those of you who stuck around this long and I'm very sorry for the long break! Despite that I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did <3


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